A Not-So Fresh start, 2011

So, here we are. 2011.
Wondering, hoping, wishing, that it'll be everything 2010 wasn't and more.
honestly?
2010 was probably one of the best and worst years of my life.
I learned so much this year, changed so much. Realized what it means to really live.
Fell "in Love" and got my heart broken.
Lost my supposed "friends forever"
Made news friends.
Learned, you don't have to be the best at everything, as long as your happy.
I mean, what Is happiness really?
What does it mean to you??
Last year, it was all about jumping, about not being afraid.
This year?
I didn't make a resolution.
This year it's just about being happy.
Honestly, truly happy.
Even if I gotta lie first to get there.
Last year, my resolution didn't go so well...whoops. Too bad.
What was your resolution?
To get a boyfriend and keep him?
To stop lieing?
To actually get on with your life?
Resolutions seem silly to me.
I mean, if you really want somethnig to happen, why wait for a new year?
Just because you seem to get a bit of a fresh start at things?
You don't.
Life doesn't work that way.
But it's ok, live and let learn, right?
The one thing I can honestly say I took away from 2010?
You have to be real, and grown up. Even when you don't want to be.
You can't snap your fingers and automatically get everything you want.
Honestly, what really changes between December 31st at 11:59 and January 1st and 12:00?
Nothing.
The calendar gets replaced, those in school start a new semester, people have to go back to work soon.
Everyone wishes for second chances, to turn back time and re-do something. Everyone desperately needs a new start for something in their life. That's the only reason "New Years" is such a big deal.
All I want this year, honestly truly?
I have no fucking idea.
I want to be happy, I want to be unrealistically 'perfect', I want to actually get shit right this year.
But I won't, not all of it.
I will be who I am, whoever that is, and I'll live my life, whatever that is.
Want is a silly thing, that can take you over faster then any disease.
We shouldn't want to celebrate the new year because we get to 'start over'
Because you don't.
Nothing really changes.
We should celebrate the New Year because we are alive. We made it through another year, scathed and bruised, but alive none-the-less. You Do Not get a fresh start. You get to continue on, and you get another shot, at another year. That hasn't happened yet.
This year is yours for the making.
So why not make it a good one?
Happy New Years, guys.

The crazy true words in your head, oh yea songs! (11/26/10)

So...It's been a while since i've written anything worthwhile...

I mean with all these crazy thoughts running around in my head, and all this madness swirling around me,

you would think i'd be all over Facebook Notes, Blogger, and my notebook.

but it appears that I have shut down, once again.

Lately I've been listening to Mayday Parade and Meese alooooot.

Some of my fav lyrics?

"get up, get up, sing it like your screamin at me, get up get up, i love the way you make it look so easy.." Get Up- MP

"we tried to fight for what we thought that we believed in, maybe it was all for nothing (i bet that it was all for nothing), ...innocence is falling, can you hear them calling now? We tried to fight, i guess sometimes you find its pointless as long as you can live with yourself (tell me how you live with yourself)" The End-MP

just...most of MP's songs..haha

then..

The Start of It- Meese

"The snow has never looked like this, the city never seems to rest, shes off to start a war, is this worth fighting for?" Taking The World On-Meese

and Break Out-Meese

but I mean, If it's all about the song in your head, and of course theres always a mash-up (GLEE!!!) of several songs in my head, then why am I so angry?

I mean sure life sucks, but it's also great.

theres such a fine line there...

My friend asked me.

What do you want?

I was very angry at the time so i replied

"I want to scream at the top of my lungs until the sky crumbles and the earth shakes. i want to make them hurt and bleed like i do. I want to run away and never look back. I want to die yet live forever. but most of all? I want to matter, and to fucking believe it when I do."

There was more then that but..what are ya gonna do? I don't remember all of it.

That friend knows me pretty well...i suppose thats what happens when your around such and "angry" person so often..

But how many people can sit near a fire, and still be freezing cold?

Or go to the arctic and still be burning?

How do liars and murderers live with themselves?

The questions of the world that will never be answered..

there are enough to fill a book as large as the earth, and probably more.

How can you sit in front of someone,

rage dripping from your every pore,

your ears and nostrils steaming,

and your mouth breathing fire.

yet they don't notice?

WHO IS THAT DENSE?

the people that are in denial.

The people that started out good and clean just like every baby, but somewhere along the way something happened, and now look. They are neglectful.

Yup, I went there.

I mean come on, did you really think this would be any different?

did you really think i wouldn't start ranting at some point?

Its what i do. deal with it.

But really.

Where was i? oh right, anger.

I mean how can you sit there and be screaming in someones ear, then you open your eyes and discover you've been biting your tounge so hard you can't feel it anymore?

There are some people in this world that lie through their teeth so much its a wonder they even have any left.

but what would be better?

lying, of just not saying anything at all?

The strangest things make people sad.

a song, a flower, just a simple everyday thing.

honestly, when did we get that bad?

What magical force brings people to tears so often?

and why is it so incredibly wrong to not cry???

I mean, I could go on forever but you've probably lost interest by now, eh?

Just think about Death, there are so many endless questions to go with Death. Go find someone interesting, or a good friend, or both and just discuss death.Is it alive? Can it die? what exactly is it?

kills alot of time.

So, if your still paying attention by now, i'll leave you all with this.

Nothing matters, honestly. It does, but it doesn't if you know what i mean.

Turn your head and look at thing from a different perspective every once in a while,

go find a new band and get one (or more) of their songs stuck in your head, try something new, and god forbid you come out of your turtle shell. Its all what you make it, so be yourself. MAke it what you want it to be. and try to not roll your eyes so much they fall out of your head (ouch) because we all know no one listens to this inspirational crap and those who do (coughcough) would never admit it, so just make of it what you will. I do however, ask one thing. Try not to judge to terribly much, you never know.

Take You Over (10/24/10)

Emotions are contagious,

stress is outrageous,

yet both fill our lives,

with things that make us cuss,

and sometimes even wish we could spontaneously combust.

we pine and lust,

for pretty things we consider a "must"

we cry and trust,

things that quickly rust,

there is more then meets the eye,

when going for a ride,

there is more to the story,

then the reader is willing to hear.

but if we fall,

and dare we break,

let ourselves go to give and take,

then we shall reach and see the end,

where on the edge we might break and bend,

consider your life,

for what its worth,

see your birth,

and protect your turf,

even which in doing so,

you fall into the abyss of confusion,

pull yourself out with the strength of fusion,

stand your ground,

meet fire with fire,

and let the world take you over.

Lost Sorrow at a Cemetary (7/20/10)

Open your eyes and what do you see?

A frozen wasteland,

painted a glassy sea-foam green.

Forgotten is the sorrow,

that the weeping left behind,

forgotten is the lonely souls of our kind.

Walk around, section 7d,

white headstones glare at me.

burried deep and long ago,

mist sweeps the gound,

calling to me.

What happens to the sorrow here,

the sorrow that I have found?

When every thing is said and done,

where does it go?

To rot 6 feet underground,

to infect the visitors that come,

to and fro?

Is it left behind,

eventually forgotten?

maybe never to be found,

had we not marked a path,

carved a day in stone icing.

close your eyes,

breath in deep,

listen to the sorrow,

leaking,

pouring,

gushing,

from the forgotten souls,

Aching to be remebered.

that so long ago,

where burried deep alive,

up here in time,

open your eyes and what do you see?

Come run away with me,

to the circle of sorrow in the frozen wasteland,

painted sea-foam green,

where all is forgotten,

but you and me.

Walking around a cemetary in Denver I started to wonder. Who was left to be sad for the child that died in 1888? who was left to be sad for the man that died in 1905? the people that died, long ago. where even those who were sad for them, have long since died aswell? In my theory there is just this circle of sorrow that goes along with the circle of life. someone dies, and someone is sad for them. when that person dies, someone else is there to take on the sorrow and feel the weight of it. Is there just an endless cirlce of sorrow? or are these people eventually forgotten, even by those who swore they never would? how many people that swore they'd never forget me, would a year or two after I died? Does everything just lie there, unkempt and unwept for once the family line dies off? The Cemetary got my mind spinning, I have relatives there that i didn't know exsisted. But I couldn't feel sad for them, because i'd never known them. to me they were just skeletons in the ground that i would've liked to know, but never got the chance. So who is left to feel sad for the people that they never got know? Who is left to take on that burden, that sorrow for the people that died so long ago, that no one knew? My question simply is, Where does the sorrow go, once it dies off?

Soeak Your Truth (9-10-10)

I looked past the diguise,

and saw the truth behind your eyes,

shivering on the bathroom floor,

you said you couldn't take it,

anymore.

I saw your truth,

and regaurded your proof,

thinking to myself,

how could you withstand,

this living hell?

You grimaced at the thought,

and put me in my place,

claiming you had everything,

all that was left,

you said,

was to to win the race.

I never saw,

the meaning in your safety,

the braclets and jewlery,

you wore to protect me.

I never understood,

what was going through head,

until the day you were afraid,

you'd wind up dead.

Listen to this song you said,

it speaks a truth so wise and brilliant,

that maybe you'll listen to the words,

I can't seem to say yet.

Speak your truth and close your eyes,

life is but a simple surprise,

twists and turns, down every ally,

maybe you can gain the courage,

to brag about your tally's.

Tell yourself what you will be,

and try to believe in me.

This all just a final test,

because you only get one chance at best.

I saw you shivering,

on your bathroom floor.

Covered in blood,

Collapsed in a mental war.

You can only make it so far you said,

before everything catches up to you,

and I realized who you were talking to.

Looking in the mirror,

what do you see?

Maybe I can finally,

Speak my truth to me.

The Poor House, wondering what ever could've happened and when things will return. Never. It was a good 14 years. Im Sorry. (9-3-10)

And then the silence wrapped itself around me,

Enveloping me into the frozen wasteland I call home.

I look around and see calm, cool, collected.

I see open space for people to "envision"

I see the way it used to be

and the way it is now.

I see an empty, Desolate, room.

It is sad, cold and crying to me.

How could I let this happen?

It whispers at me.

How could you just stand and watch?

The walls are confused, It appears as though no one lives here,

but a broken family with severed souls,

and fake smiles walk through the halls.

Walk through the empty hallways,

remember how they were once decorated with the finest art,

the most decorative trinkets,

and the prettiest colors.

Remember that life wasn't always so cold and lonely,

at one point,

we were a whole.

Even in seperation.

The house,

that has watched all of this go on for years,

is confused.

What happened?

What went wrong, where along the road was it decided,

that this was wrong?

A lady comes.

The house shrinks back,

the walls seem to cave in ever so slightly,

the doors will themselves to lock,

but one disagrees.

She changes the beautiful layout,

trys to make the house look more open.

This is greatly resented.

When she leaves,

the floors whine so quietly,

they too, are remembering.

What it was like to have nails that needed clipping trod along their not so shiny surface,

how it felt to have fur and dirt cast upon them.

They never thought they would miss the presence of another dumb being.

The furniture groans,

wishing is was still in its original place,

that it could still watch.

The entire house,

furniture, floor, walls, windows, pictures, all of it.

Wishes and watches and hopes.

Until the lady shows up again.

When she leaves, all hope has vanished.

The girl that sat in silence, denying, watching, wishing, and hoping

that something would change.

Walks around in a trance,

Remembers everything the walls have seen,

pictures the way it was supposed to be.

She gets to one room,

Remembering her favorite memory.

They used to have a puppy, she was given away which the girl pretends didn't happen.

The puppy was blocked from only one room.

She remembers when her father used to sit in there and read, when he would sleep on the floor.

She remember how ever since he left, the room has been empty.

There is a baby gate, to keep the puppy from staining the carpet in the room.

In the memory, she climbs over the gate, home alone, and stands in the room. just on the other side of the gate.

She stands and watches the dust swirl around the sunlight, watching how still and beautiful it is.

Because there are still plants in the room in the memory.

She doesn't remember how long she stood like that, just watching, remembering.

But when she gets to this room, she stands in the same spot and stares.

Falling to her knees, she realizes the inevitable.

Meeting this lady made it all real.

The house senses that she has realized she can no longer deny this.

She can no longer pretend.

She gets up, and sits in a chair.

The house knows.

A flash of light, a short memory.

And the silence, the stillness, cradles me.

Hugs me close, taunting, whispering in my ear.

The final realization dawns on me.

There Is No Hope.

What We Were Made For (8-30-10)

You took your time to draw that line,

Maybe i'm not afraid of you anymore.

I took my time to step in line,

but it was your fault to decline.

lets step up to this fight,

you've gotta push for whats right,

maybe we can make them listen,

maybe we will be heard.

I gotta a bad feeling and a caffeine kick outa bed,

we need a new plan and a clear head.

Draw up the blueprints, follow the shoe prints,

this is what we were made for.

If we pay attention now,

If you let them walk all over you,

maybe you can be like that guy,

and throw your shoes.

I could have sworn you told me,

that it was your fault,

I could have sworn i said,

by a new belt.

the leather was raw, the buckle was worn,

how many whipping could've started this war?

Tell me,

This is what we were made for.

So stand up for yourself,

for your rights.

Make your words shed some light,

and show them all.

What we were made for.