Hurt

12/2/09
9:46 p.m.
So that’s it then. It’s been almost a year and so much has changed. It’s going to be January before I know it. Then March. I have to think about high school. I have to enter the “real world before real life” I don’t want her to leave. And she knows it. Im sick of thinking in circles. Im sick of thinking. I want to tear down these walls and see what I missed. I want to figure out what happened. I think the thing holding us together was the fact that we were both sort of lost in our family. Neither of us liked dad. And we both were rather strange. I think the hatred we felt for him kept us together. That and she was all I had, and all I knew. That’s different now. And we both know it. I don’t want us to end up like those people that ‘disown’ each other and then only see each other again when someone graduates of gets married or something. I don’t want that. I’m trying to get used to her not being here. And they don’t realize I’ve forgotten how to..not be so hostile and angry. She’s right. And I hate that she is. But its true and It hurts. He asks who I want to stay with. My first thought is mom. I tell him I don’t know, it depends on where you both live. He tells me that mom might have to move. And he doesn’t want the house. I know this already. But hearing it still hurts. I want to live with mom. I like dad fine. But he’s bad for me. They all are. They all scare me. I don’t know what to do. I forget things minutes after there said sometimes. I used to have the best memory in the family. I don’t want to grow up like this. I want to be the girl kasey sees. I want to be what everyone else needs me to be. Because I think I’ve forgotten how to be who I was before. They think I want attention. Im just scared and confused. Oh so confused. I stop thinking and do stupid things. I almost hate myself. I think so low of me. I don’t think they can see that. I think they think its all an act. And maybe it used to be. But I don’t think it is now. And thats the sad thing, I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. Except what I wish. And what will never happen. I can always dream though can’t I? All I’ve wanted to do for so long is scream at the top of my lungs and cry. I want to cry. And the horrible thing is I want something bad to happen to make me cry. I don’t like how much they care. It drives me crazy. I think that its stupid for me to be this way when they care. I need a reason to be like this. I hate it I can’t help thinking how selfish I am when I think this much about what I want or need. Or think. It all just seems so stupid. My own dog won’t listen to me any more. Last night I did something I haven’t done in years. I talked to Beary. That’ how alone, scared, and confused I feel. I want to talk to someone. I can’t seem to tell Kristen the other reasons im there. I can’t seem to do anything im supposed to. The way im supposed to. Im sick of acting like such a stereotype I hate almost everything about myself. She called him Phil the other day. I called him that for years. Till about June. It punched me in the stomach so hard when she did that. Its things like that And things I do that are making me think more and more of taking pills, sticking my fingers down my throat, or stabbing my arm. Which Is bad. I’ve never thought this much about any of that. I’ve never been this..upset before. And I think Im more emotional about it then the others because I reacted so differently. I shut down. And im still sleeping. I want help but I don’t know how to get it. And I can’t seem to do anything about it. Nothing makes sense any more. And all I want is a safe hug. I hate hugging my dad. Kasey is alright sometimes. I hate hugging mom. I can only hug people that are bigger then me. Because then I feel small. And I want to be small. Instead though I feel huge when I hug anyone else. I know its stupid. Most of this is stupid. But it’s a bit of whats going on inside. And I just needed to get it out. It’s not supposed to be easy, and it’s not going to get any easier, I know that. I just wish I had someone to tell me what to do. I wish I didn’t have to wish for stupid things like that. And I wish they would stop killing my traditions without even knowing. I wish something big and great would happen. But its not going to. Because im so freaking pessimistic. Im so freaking stupid. And confused. And scared. I just keep putting up walls. And there’s to many for me to handle now. I wish I could breath.
12/2/09
10:23 P.M.

Religion and things

I know it's been a while since i last wrote, but i've got some strange, and rather pointless ironies to point out. this will prove how badly i need a life...
1.my friend cut her toe open at school, my other friend did the same thing at camp.
2.my sisters friend was wearing a mtn. dew shirt. i was drinking mtn.dew.
3.these 2 guys i know, theres fav number is 7. thats my birthday.
4. i found this really nice blue stone, just like the one in this one book...
5.we found to an abandoned house, i'd had a dream about that.

So i know its all pointless, or seemingly so but its all weirdly relavant to me. i was watching family guy today and it was the one where Meg finds god. i was tihnking, if god does exsist (seeing as im athiest) then why does he only focus on certain things, why does he not do anything about peace, or hunger? im extremely interested in the Holocaust, so i read about it alot. in one of the books it said. "pray, pray to god he'll save us. But it seemed god was not listening." shouldn't he always listen to everyone? i mean if he created all this, thne why can't he keep up with us? it seems to me, that he simply isnt' listening to some people. he's forgotten. which i know sounds terribal. dont get me wrong i've got nothing against him, and im not trying to change your faith or whatever, im just saying .why doesn't he listen? i know its stupid, and that questions like that are asked all the time, but wouldn't he prove he's there in some way? i mean, karmas a bitch, but it also proves quite a bit. anything god does, could simply be coincedence. oyy, i dont know. i just wish i had a good reason to believe in him, because i wan't to, but nothing seems to be that simple for me these days. If i maneged to offend anyone in my views, im terribly sorry. i just needed to say that to someone. and this is all i've got because my therapist is reallllllllly strange. oy. sorry, im complaining again. its just im so sick of all this, that i blocked everything out. i can hardly remember things i've done only hours before, in detail. Am i blocking out to much? is there somthing else i can do? if anyones reading this, if anyone happens to care at the moment, you should help me out. i can't seem to give myself good advice. everyone else, sure, me nope not a chance. well i've got to go to bed, and i've got top stop this dumbass pity party. so untill next time,
Oneday, Someday.
"Drama Queen, Family Force Five. check it out"

Kay so this blog is supposed to be about Ironic things, right? so i decided im going to start each post with the Ironies i've noticed since the last blog.
Ironies:
1. leaves in the shape of a smiley face on the ground, broken rose petals in the same shape a few days earlier.
2. a bead braclet broke and spilled all over the gym floor the other day, last year the sam ething happend to me in band.
3.The song Thats What You Get played on the radio right when my friend told me he and his gf broke up.
4.there was a school trip last year, and its back this year. i can't go, again. dreams being crushed. they get to go to the Holocaust museum. (im obssesed with the Holocaust)
I can't believe im actually making it though this school year. almost the first month done with! im so proud of myself. im so random today, its strange but thats okay. I'm getting old lady back form my bag tho, and its really annoying. i shouldn't hurt this much at my age...anyway, i keep thinking about winter, which is strange because i haet winter, but this year it means i've made it through that much more of school. no one should dread school this much for this stupid of a reason. but thats me. Right now my fav band is Simple Plan. thats bad. simple plan is a very depressing band. course spending all my extra time riding my bike and finding ways to get to the lake should prolly say somthing to. but it doesn't no one notices. I wonder, what do people notice? why do they notice these things. especially, would anyone notice if death died? in The Book Theif death is the narrator. and it kept wondering what would happen if he/it died? would anyone notice? what would happen? is it even possible? and now my wrist is really hurting so i need to stop for today, but i'll be back soon.
Oneday, Someday guys, Oneday Someday.
*...Theres only hate, theres only fear, theres only tears, there is no love here....*

wow. my father is so easily manipulated its sad. on the bright side i got some good new clothes today though. i got 2 hula-hoops that have water in them. im very happy about that. spent most of the day in the middle of no where, Adams County or some shit. found some really cool rocks and passes a military armoury and a really small airport. strange isnt' it? a public airport by a military armoury in the middle of nowhere? we found this field, that was literally sunflowers for miles. it was so pretty. Ever drive around aimlessly? its amazing what you'll find. Its also amazing how stupid cartoons are.....woooooooow. Ironic isn't it? how everything seems to suck at the same time? *sigh* oneday someday, guys oneday someday.
"....And i'm the evil one who said gona let everything just happen..."

Intro

Were all a part of this messed up, perfect world. and me? im just another confused person, trying to figure out were i am. I'm going to use this for being alive when i'm dead inside. Just so you know, if anyone reads this it will be noticed. i need to feel alive, i need to breath without worrying. The main purpose of this, however is to make people aware of the ironies of the world. there are so many of them, irony is a real bitch. and im goin gto point out the strangest, most pointless ones. and the most important. Is it crazy? I just think everyone needs to be aware of such things, since i've been noticing so many lately. and how so many things are becoming glarringly apparent. I'm just another person trying to make my way in this messed up place. who cares to join me on the journy?
*It's to late baby, theres no turning around....* Goodnight.