The crazy true words in your head, oh yea songs! (11/26/10)

So...It's been a while since i've written anything worthwhile...

I mean with all these crazy thoughts running around in my head, and all this madness swirling around me,

you would think i'd be all over Facebook Notes, Blogger, and my notebook.

but it appears that I have shut down, once again.

Lately I've been listening to Mayday Parade and Meese alooooot.

Some of my fav lyrics?

"get up, get up, sing it like your screamin at me, get up get up, i love the way you make it look so easy.." Get Up- MP

"we tried to fight for what we thought that we believed in, maybe it was all for nothing (i bet that it was all for nothing), ...innocence is falling, can you hear them calling now? We tried to fight, i guess sometimes you find its pointless as long as you can live with yourself (tell me how you live with yourself)" The End-MP

just...most of MP's songs..haha

then..

The Start of It- Meese

"The snow has never looked like this, the city never seems to rest, shes off to start a war, is this worth fighting for?" Taking The World On-Meese

and Break Out-Meese

but I mean, If it's all about the song in your head, and of course theres always a mash-up (GLEE!!!) of several songs in my head, then why am I so angry?

I mean sure life sucks, but it's also great.

theres such a fine line there...

My friend asked me.

What do you want?

I was very angry at the time so i replied

"I want to scream at the top of my lungs until the sky crumbles and the earth shakes. i want to make them hurt and bleed like i do. I want to run away and never look back. I want to die yet live forever. but most of all? I want to matter, and to fucking believe it when I do."

There was more then that but..what are ya gonna do? I don't remember all of it.

That friend knows me pretty well...i suppose thats what happens when your around such and "angry" person so often..

But how many people can sit near a fire, and still be freezing cold?

Or go to the arctic and still be burning?

How do liars and murderers live with themselves?

The questions of the world that will never be answered..

there are enough to fill a book as large as the earth, and probably more.

How can you sit in front of someone,

rage dripping from your every pore,

your ears and nostrils steaming,

and your mouth breathing fire.

yet they don't notice?

WHO IS THAT DENSE?

the people that are in denial.

The people that started out good and clean just like every baby, but somewhere along the way something happened, and now look. They are neglectful.

Yup, I went there.

I mean come on, did you really think this would be any different?

did you really think i wouldn't start ranting at some point?

Its what i do. deal with it.

But really.

Where was i? oh right, anger.

I mean how can you sit there and be screaming in someones ear, then you open your eyes and discover you've been biting your tounge so hard you can't feel it anymore?

There are some people in this world that lie through their teeth so much its a wonder they even have any left.

but what would be better?

lying, of just not saying anything at all?

The strangest things make people sad.

a song, a flower, just a simple everyday thing.

honestly, when did we get that bad?

What magical force brings people to tears so often?

and why is it so incredibly wrong to not cry???

I mean, I could go on forever but you've probably lost interest by now, eh?

Just think about Death, there are so many endless questions to go with Death. Go find someone interesting, or a good friend, or both and just discuss death.Is it alive? Can it die? what exactly is it?

kills alot of time.

So, if your still paying attention by now, i'll leave you all with this.

Nothing matters, honestly. It does, but it doesn't if you know what i mean.

Turn your head and look at thing from a different perspective every once in a while,

go find a new band and get one (or more) of their songs stuck in your head, try something new, and god forbid you come out of your turtle shell. Its all what you make it, so be yourself. MAke it what you want it to be. and try to not roll your eyes so much they fall out of your head (ouch) because we all know no one listens to this inspirational crap and those who do (coughcough) would never admit it, so just make of it what you will. I do however, ask one thing. Try not to judge to terribly much, you never know.

Take You Over (10/24/10)

Emotions are contagious,

stress is outrageous,

yet both fill our lives,

with things that make us cuss,

and sometimes even wish we could spontaneously combust.

we pine and lust,

for pretty things we consider a "must"

we cry and trust,

things that quickly rust,

there is more then meets the eye,

when going for a ride,

there is more to the story,

then the reader is willing to hear.

but if we fall,

and dare we break,

let ourselves go to give and take,

then we shall reach and see the end,

where on the edge we might break and bend,

consider your life,

for what its worth,

see your birth,

and protect your turf,

even which in doing so,

you fall into the abyss of confusion,

pull yourself out with the strength of fusion,

stand your ground,

meet fire with fire,

and let the world take you over.

Lost Sorrow at a Cemetary (7/20/10)

Open your eyes and what do you see?

A frozen wasteland,

painted a glassy sea-foam green.

Forgotten is the sorrow,

that the weeping left behind,

forgotten is the lonely souls of our kind.

Walk around, section 7d,

white headstones glare at me.

burried deep and long ago,

mist sweeps the gound,

calling to me.

What happens to the sorrow here,

the sorrow that I have found?

When every thing is said and done,

where does it go?

To rot 6 feet underground,

to infect the visitors that come,

to and fro?

Is it left behind,

eventually forgotten?

maybe never to be found,

had we not marked a path,

carved a day in stone icing.

close your eyes,

breath in deep,

listen to the sorrow,

leaking,

pouring,

gushing,

from the forgotten souls,

Aching to be remebered.

that so long ago,

where burried deep alive,

up here in time,

open your eyes and what do you see?

Come run away with me,

to the circle of sorrow in the frozen wasteland,

painted sea-foam green,

where all is forgotten,

but you and me.

Walking around a cemetary in Denver I started to wonder. Who was left to be sad for the child that died in 1888? who was left to be sad for the man that died in 1905? the people that died, long ago. where even those who were sad for them, have long since died aswell? In my theory there is just this circle of sorrow that goes along with the circle of life. someone dies, and someone is sad for them. when that person dies, someone else is there to take on the sorrow and feel the weight of it. Is there just an endless cirlce of sorrow? or are these people eventually forgotten, even by those who swore they never would? how many people that swore they'd never forget me, would a year or two after I died? Does everything just lie there, unkempt and unwept for once the family line dies off? The Cemetary got my mind spinning, I have relatives there that i didn't know exsisted. But I couldn't feel sad for them, because i'd never known them. to me they were just skeletons in the ground that i would've liked to know, but never got the chance. So who is left to feel sad for the people that they never got know? Who is left to take on that burden, that sorrow for the people that died so long ago, that no one knew? My question simply is, Where does the sorrow go, once it dies off?

Soeak Your Truth (9-10-10)

I looked past the diguise,

and saw the truth behind your eyes,

shivering on the bathroom floor,

you said you couldn't take it,

anymore.

I saw your truth,

and regaurded your proof,

thinking to myself,

how could you withstand,

this living hell?

You grimaced at the thought,

and put me in my place,

claiming you had everything,

all that was left,

you said,

was to to win the race.

I never saw,

the meaning in your safety,

the braclets and jewlery,

you wore to protect me.

I never understood,

what was going through head,

until the day you were afraid,

you'd wind up dead.

Listen to this song you said,

it speaks a truth so wise and brilliant,

that maybe you'll listen to the words,

I can't seem to say yet.

Speak your truth and close your eyes,

life is but a simple surprise,

twists and turns, down every ally,

maybe you can gain the courage,

to brag about your tally's.

Tell yourself what you will be,

and try to believe in me.

This all just a final test,

because you only get one chance at best.

I saw you shivering,

on your bathroom floor.

Covered in blood,

Collapsed in a mental war.

You can only make it so far you said,

before everything catches up to you,

and I realized who you were talking to.

Looking in the mirror,

what do you see?

Maybe I can finally,

Speak my truth to me.

The Poor House, wondering what ever could've happened and when things will return. Never. It was a good 14 years. Im Sorry. (9-3-10)

And then the silence wrapped itself around me,

Enveloping me into the frozen wasteland I call home.

I look around and see calm, cool, collected.

I see open space for people to "envision"

I see the way it used to be

and the way it is now.

I see an empty, Desolate, room.

It is sad, cold and crying to me.

How could I let this happen?

It whispers at me.

How could you just stand and watch?

The walls are confused, It appears as though no one lives here,

but a broken family with severed souls,

and fake smiles walk through the halls.

Walk through the empty hallways,

remember how they were once decorated with the finest art,

the most decorative trinkets,

and the prettiest colors.

Remember that life wasn't always so cold and lonely,

at one point,

we were a whole.

Even in seperation.

The house,

that has watched all of this go on for years,

is confused.

What happened?

What went wrong, where along the road was it decided,

that this was wrong?

A lady comes.

The house shrinks back,

the walls seem to cave in ever so slightly,

the doors will themselves to lock,

but one disagrees.

She changes the beautiful layout,

trys to make the house look more open.

This is greatly resented.

When she leaves,

the floors whine so quietly,

they too, are remembering.

What it was like to have nails that needed clipping trod along their not so shiny surface,

how it felt to have fur and dirt cast upon them.

They never thought they would miss the presence of another dumb being.

The furniture groans,

wishing is was still in its original place,

that it could still watch.

The entire house,

furniture, floor, walls, windows, pictures, all of it.

Wishes and watches and hopes.

Until the lady shows up again.

When she leaves, all hope has vanished.

The girl that sat in silence, denying, watching, wishing, and hoping

that something would change.

Walks around in a trance,

Remembers everything the walls have seen,

pictures the way it was supposed to be.

She gets to one room,

Remembering her favorite memory.

They used to have a puppy, she was given away which the girl pretends didn't happen.

The puppy was blocked from only one room.

She remembers when her father used to sit in there and read, when he would sleep on the floor.

She remember how ever since he left, the room has been empty.

There is a baby gate, to keep the puppy from staining the carpet in the room.

In the memory, she climbs over the gate, home alone, and stands in the room. just on the other side of the gate.

She stands and watches the dust swirl around the sunlight, watching how still and beautiful it is.

Because there are still plants in the room in the memory.

She doesn't remember how long she stood like that, just watching, remembering.

But when she gets to this room, she stands in the same spot and stares.

Falling to her knees, she realizes the inevitable.

Meeting this lady made it all real.

The house senses that she has realized she can no longer deny this.

She can no longer pretend.

She gets up, and sits in a chair.

The house knows.

A flash of light, a short memory.

And the silence, the stillness, cradles me.

Hugs me close, taunting, whispering in my ear.

The final realization dawns on me.

There Is No Hope.

What We Were Made For (8-30-10)

You took your time to draw that line,

Maybe i'm not afraid of you anymore.

I took my time to step in line,

but it was your fault to decline.

lets step up to this fight,

you've gotta push for whats right,

maybe we can make them listen,

maybe we will be heard.

I gotta a bad feeling and a caffeine kick outa bed,

we need a new plan and a clear head.

Draw up the blueprints, follow the shoe prints,

this is what we were made for.

If we pay attention now,

If you let them walk all over you,

maybe you can be like that guy,

and throw your shoes.

I could have sworn you told me,

that it was your fault,

I could have sworn i said,

by a new belt.

the leather was raw, the buckle was worn,

how many whipping could've started this war?

Tell me,

This is what we were made for.

So stand up for yourself,

for your rights.

Make your words shed some light,

and show them all.

What we were made for.

Fear and Choice (8-21-10)

"Fear is like saying you have something to loose."

If that's true. then i'm a much bigger hypocrite then I thought.

Because i'm absouluety terrified. So muchly so.

But If fear is saying you have something to loose, then I have a

lot more to loose before i'm done for.

I guess somewhere down deep i knew that.

But still.

Fear is an emotion, but its also a lifestyle and a choice.

You can be afraid of spiders, snakes, or something like drowning.

thats emotion. its your body telling you that its dangerous.

But that choice, you have that choice of deciding whether or not

to believe yourself when you think "oh no a spider!"

you can choose to be afraid, or you can choose to let it go,

no big deal.

Thats where lifestyle comes into play.

If you choose to be afraid of that spider.

eventually it morphs into something else.

and suddenly your living controled by that fear.

You have to address your problem,

but now your afraid of that too.

Now you won't listen to anyone, even though

you know they're right.

Now your in denial. and then you do something.

something very stupid.

it could be anything.

but it tears your whole life apart.

and suddenly your lost inside yourself and your fears.

your just plain lost, with no idea how you got there,

or how to get back.

and it takes twice as much effort to get back to "normal"

Now you have to talk.

To get help

and thats scary.

more scary then the damn spider.

but that spider caused this whole ordeal in the long run,

didn't he?

because you chose to be afraid.

You chose.

If everythings really all linked together,

then next time you see that spider you better be careful,

next time you see that spider?

You better make the right choice,

because fear can suddenly take over at any moment.

Are you afriad?

Can you choose?

Don't let a spider rule your life.

That Day (I Felt Like Writing) (6-26-10)

sucking on a jolly rancher.
wishing things could have stayed the same.
I'll find a meaning in this one day.
what can we do,
what can we say
when nothing feels okay?
If life is all,
random coincidence.
and the only thing thats constant
is change,
How do we stay.
who we are,
what we feel,
its all a game that can make this pain feel
so real.
What would you wish for, if you had one chance?
would you make that difference, be the choice between life and death?
or would you walk away and leave them hanging,
lost because the person they thought would always be there.
wasn't.
All we have,
is this give and take,
please and thankyou,
yes or no,
left or right,
this or that,
up or down,
how do you prevent,
one more round?
Take a picture.
"Forever a memory"
would it not be if you didn't record it?
we live in a society of electric technology,
thats going to be the death of our race.
How do you cope,
deal with the overwhelming,
emotion.
when the spotlight seems to be permanently trained on you?
Places painted,
like candy canes,
do you feel ashamed?
Stir your cigarette ashes,
with that sugar coated ladle
dip your finger in them,
and tell us
whats your poison?
Breath.
Just.
Breath.
one day,
it'll all be worth it.
One Day,
it'll all be
Ok.

My Hole, It's Not A Rabbit Hole, It's A Gofer Hold. Your Water For Your Stupid Plants. (6-22-10)

The sound of your voice makes my eyes burn
the orange sunset lit the sky on fire
and you were to busy to turn
the scary thing is shes right
i dont know who to believe.
if i can't breath, but im floating above the water
and your sitting on the dock watching
what happened to all those promises from all those years?
the kid figured me out right away
you freaked out
again and again.
the memories i never wanted to make go up in flames
the people i never wanted to meet,
confusedly retreat.
this is what happens when everyones right,
when your all wrong.
look at the mountains.
my vision went blurry,
now i look stoned.
have you no faith in me?
acuse left and right,
im done with your drama
that you dont realize you create.
weren't you supposed to be the one that..did everything?
so why am i digging out of your mess?
im sick of you.
im sick of all of you.
if i want to go down the damn rabbit hole then so be it. what are you going to do about it?

Oppotunity. Lies. Your Freaking Plants..and Now You Know (6-19-10)

here. this. now. 1.2.3. click. its a snapshot, look again. what do you see?
this is for You.
im doing what i can, and if shutting you out is going to help me, so be it.
im not just down the hall anymore. you can't corner me like you used to.
in my head?
this is all still a game. its all pretend. i lie to myself.
every single night.
because if i dont. i wont sleep.
if your so afraid i'll turn into you. what are you afraid of?
so what if i have to lie to myself to do just about any function, be it going to sleep, getting up or just being the person im supposed to be.
life throws opportunities at us all the time.
its what we do with them that makes us who we are. its how we handle the latest bump in the road, earthquake in society. If you have to cross bridges to burn them, then how do you burn them to begin with. because theres plenty of bridges i've walked away from. and they all went up in flames. without my crossing.
Is it really so bad, that i shut myself off from you? that i lie to myself because i'd been even worse off if i didn't? that every day i come closer to just snapping and saying what i REALLY think?
its not your fault, despite your belief. its theirs. its hers. and you know it.
you had an opportunity, a choice that isn't nearly as apparent to most people. you had an option, you had everything even though it felt like nothing. now, thats what i have. except i dont have one person who really knows whats going on. you did. but you miles and miles from that person now.
you took that opportunity. its not wrong. its ok with me, always what you wanted. but your choice gave me an opportunity, and i took it.
at least i know im in denial. but im not a liar to the rest of the world. not really if you think about it.
I really would sell my soul before i let reality get to me.
im pretty sure i have...
the thing is, i was lied to. and your all doing a terrible job of covering it up.
things did not get better. they have consistently gone down hill since that day. we are not better off. and i might actually be happy by now if this hadn't happened. but it did. who saw it coming? ...exactly. no one. i dont care what happened before. i've been fed stories and lied to up and down all my life. and you want to know why i dont trust any of you? please. you took away everything. i wasn't a positive person to begin with and i could say some things that would scare you beyond belief. if i didn't like any of you then, i hate you all now. which you all seem to believe i'll get over.
i sold my soul, ate my heart and lit my mind on fire for you people. and im going to end up the worst out of all of you.
...it wouldn't be so bad really, if i hadn't been lied to so blandly. and so obviously. if i hadnt been forced to recall long gone memories. the trouble is,
exactly the opposite of what you wanted happened.
i can always dream and i can always wish. but your the reason i dont believe in love, or good relationships in my life. the reason that i believe that wishes dont come true and dreams are just pretty decorated lies that sing you to sleep.
the thing is. the person who is going to think this is directed at is wrong. i dont blame you. im not mad. your just not here. understand? your.not.here. therefore you can't do anything about my world. im used to it now though.
no, the person its directed at is old. think. not that old in reality. but physically they look about ten or more years older. they act around there to, half the time.
think.
the one person who could've prevented all of this and saved the trouble and money.
and my...sanity, well-being, soul, happiness.
what they couldn't see?
what they're working for so desperately?
could've been fixed much easier, faster, and more efficiently then this.
dont get me wrong, i'll get over it eventually. but not in the way you would think. not they way im supposed to. because im the one that doesn't do what shes told. im the one who fights back and actually tells what im really thinking.
or at least i was.
and guesses as to what happened?
I know i have a few...

I Had A Song Stuck In My Head and this Is What Came Out Of It (4-30-10)

Oh what a decorative emergency,
is it easy?
so tell me baby,
whens the last time you stayed up late?
Come home with me and you'll never fall asleep
i've got a great view of the city and star skyline from my yard,
you can tell me all about it and maybe just maybe,
oh baby,
you gotta believe me when i say
that i actually care
lets sing songs to the trees and dance in the rain,
maybe we can
baby we can,
ohh
fall in a head of heels spin,
are you crazy for me?
I gotta say that im not sorry,
this is the last time,
oh its the last time
im not gonna lie to you any more,
trip out and fall over,
this is what you mean to me
oh baby,
this is what you mean to me
tell me where i am to you

Forsted Souls (4-26-10)

plastic realities
and pipe dreams,
tell me what it means
sugar coated candy canes,
with purple guitar strings,
websites and water bottles,
to paint on a smile,
is that all it takes to believe the bait?
how do you watch, review the file
pepper tainted, lemon glares
can you avoid the stares?
bittersweet "How-to"
Tardy body builds,
glowing pastel signs,
neon minds struggling,
to come alive.
juice boxes filled with lies
margarine soaked bread crumbs,
twirl around, flaunt your dance
take your one,
last chance.

Well Well Well (1-31-10)

I've overdosed on the love you fake,
i've overdosed on the hate you poor into me,
im sending you up to hell to watch you bake,
so you can call me angry,
can call me a b!tch,
pretend to understand,
watch.
look.
see?
let's go
but this time?
i'm in control,
listen to see,
your wrong,
nothing is what you want it to be,
stop.
look.
listen.
want is for the hopeful,
hope is for the wishful,
wishing is for the gullible,
your an addict,
overdosing on the blood of your family,
im sick of your manipulating,
sick of your lies,
sure,
i'll hold a grudge
but only on you,
and you
because of what you did to me,
dont let go,
but look below,
the past will glisten,
with memories of mistakes,
the stars might shine,
but the sun is glaring,
hold your breath,
sharpen that blade,
let's get dizzy together
and get lost in our minds,
forget yourself
spin through the clouds
watch that lake,
it's getting deeper
call me what you want,
but this is my life,
and your going down,
watch and you'll see,
your blind to me

If Only I knew...

I just read my myspace blogs from before my life got like 10 times worse. god i was so stupid and rather pathetic. If only i knew. i would've copied them to this blog, but it doesn't work properly and cuts off half of it. i just can't believe how stupid i was, i mean considering all the thinking with theories and ideas and things i come up with in my mind like the images or ideas for stories. i just feel so stupid, like if only i had known what was coming then maybe i wouldn't have hated my life so much. im just so, so flustered i just, i don't know what to do. maybe if i think about it more it'll make sense, hahaha because thats a good idea. any way i had to tell someone how i feel so i figured i'd write about it since i haven't written in so long. ugh, i hate this. i just can't win with life, can i? whatever.

Realization is a cruel aspect of life

today i realized im still incredibly hypocritical, if not more. and when you get right down to it? nothing has changed. absolutely nothing. sad isn't it? how sitting in a car just thinking, and all of a sudden BOOM you realize that basically nothing changed, even when everything else did? The Map Of Tears. the song played at a funeral. words shared between a dyeing person and their companion. a dog, running through the street. look around you. how can you tell its all legit, and true? there is so little honesty left in this world. so little faith put in to the youth of today. and for what cost? kids dropping out of school, pregnant at 16. the smartest kid in the class committing suicide, because no one would listen. honesty being thrown to the ground and walked on. what are we to do, but stand by and watch as we destroy our selves? a river flowing silently. the moon shining brightly. a mother protecting her children. pollution slowing overtaking the air. the world spins, faster and faster, out of innocence and into stupidity. it stops. look. watch. see. you do not. no once can see. no one can hear. we are all oblivious to the tragedy taking place, next door, on the street, in another state, an apartment you pass, poor countries, rich countries, in your home, up the stairs, in the yard, on tv, sitting next to you, watching us and trying to understand. it gets worse because we do not address it, we do not acknowledge it, or do anything about it. it wants attention, it needs us to see. but we do not. if you listen closely you will hear. hear the birds singing, and the wind whistling through the trees. or maybe car horns and street workers? hear and you shall see. see and you shall hear. this world is full of love, but there is so much pain that no one can tell, its all built off of lies, and fake illusions. i want to see the world like others, i want to know what they see, how they see and hear. it feels like my eyes are broken, because very few things make sense to me, i can't see or understand. i wish i hadn't figured out my worst fear. i wish i hadn't figured out that it still matters.

feels good to be honest. if only with the interenet..

im so sick of this. being stuck in between. being stuck in my own mind. not knowing how to get out. i want to. i want to listen to her and her and him and all of them. i just dont know how, i haven't figured it out yet. and im so flusterd with all this schedule crap. i dont know what to do. im so lost and confused. everything seems to be going wrong and i feel like such a nuisance for telling people about it. im sick of people telling me things and asking me things and im sick of getting excited and then my hopes get crushed. as stupid as there are. i think im a pushover and that i listen to certain things to much and certain things not enough. i think im trying to hard for somethings and not enough for others. in August i didn't think i'd make it this far, and here i am sitting in January. trying to make sense. and trying to find a way out. because somethings wrong with me and i can't seem to listen to myself. i want to say so many things, i want to tell people so many things, i want to do so many things. but im to fucking scared to do anything. because i care to much what people think. and because of that one fear... every ones telling me all these things and im so overwhelmed. and freaked out. i cant seem to write or draw or do anything that normally helps. im loosing track of things and thinking to much. i wish i could just stop. i wish and i want and i hope and i dream. and i feel so freaking self-centered saying things like that, because i've gone so long like this, i've forgotten how to not be. i need to know how to make things happen and be..alright for lack of better word, in my eyes. but i can't seem to ba able to. its all so fast, and to slow. im trying so hard to accept change, but im not doing to well. i dont do well with change in general. and so much is changing. again. but then i go to talk about it and it all seems so stupid. so i dont. its so weird cause last time i had to get schedule stuff i was all excited and this time im not. im just sad, and exhausted. theres so many issues. yet so few that seem to really matter. and they all feel so stupid when acknowledged. i feel indecisive, even though im not really. im just rather..picky and i over think. at least thats how i see it. I wish i coudl see myself in other peoples eyes. i wish i coudl understand everything. im so sick of wishing stupid things. im sick of wanting impossible things. and im sick of hopping for things that dont happen. thats why im so pessimistic, because my hopes are very beat up. despite that quote "obstacles are put in your way to see how bad you want something" or its something like that...i just feel so...i dont even know any more. am i supposed to feel like this? cause i dont think i should, but im not sure how to go about fixing it. i was perfectly fine, but now im...not. something changed and now things are different. i feel like i did something wrong. like im not following the rules the right way. i feel like im becoming my worst fear. and i constantly feel sick or have a headache. maybe theres some secret that i have yet to figure out. i want to be the image in my head. but i don't know how to get there. and it sounds like something so stupid. and im pathetic for other reasons as well. but i will get there. it will get better. better things will happen. change will be accepted. it has to happen. right? it will. it needs to. eventually. soon. hopefully. maybe i'll just go sit in the back seat and swing away the next few months. maybe? probably. ...i wish. it'll happen. i'll figure it out. i'll feel better. i'll be able to see. i'l lbe able to do those things i haven't lately. i wont' be tired any more. because i have to jump. i have to accept change. i HAVE TO. oneday. someday. i have to try.

Jump

This is the long version of my New Years Resolution. Here We Go.

So there you have it. Its officially 2010. One year gone by, and so much has changed. When the ball dropped I watched the clock, 11:59 and it held on to the 00's for just another few seconds, before letting go and starting new, new year new decade new everything. As I write I feel my eyes burn and all they want to do is burn away 2009 and all that happened with in it. I jumped into the year with mads, just talking away on face-book, talking about what felt like everything. I think I made it. Im here in one piece, right? This year has to be better. We knew that 09 was going to suck. We didn’t know the hell in it, but we knew never the less. And I know, I have to know, that this year will be better. It will be fun. It has to be. And oh how I so want to believe that.i wish it was as easy as writing off 09 and burning away the year that changed me the most. I discovered this song the other day, called Swing Life Away by Rise Against. I love it, and I’m listening to it right now. “We live on front porches and swing life away we get by just fine here” I'm so sad. I'm so sick of things changing and being different and I just want something to stand still for a little. I'm so lost. And I don’t want to be. I think that 09 was the making of me, and I think this year will put it to use, in ways that are more for me then everyone else. Regardless of how selfish I sound. I am going to make this year good. I will become happy. This year has to be the good change, right? Because the bad is already done with. And I made it. We made it. Life has to get better. It will. My eyes burn so bad. My clock seems to be going super fast now, as if those last seconds had to made up for in minutes. I don’t know what’s going to happen. And I’ve excepted that I have very little control over it. I’ve excepted that this year, things are going to change again. And im trying so so hard to except change in general. I can still feel the paths of the tears I don’t cry. And I can feel there weight, whether or not there there. So much has changed. So much. But I think that eventually it’ll all be okay. It has to be. Because all I have right now is hope that this year will change everything for the better, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. Because hope is all you have when you feel like you’ve got nothing left. I haven’t willingly hugged my parents since last December and I mean 08. This year, I will. I’ll make things okay ish. This year I’ll remember things. And I’ll do the things I’ve been so, so afraid to do. I’ll try. I won’t be afraid. I have to jump somewhere, so since this year is going to be so much better, why not jump sooner then later? Because the longer you wait the harder it gets. I should know that very well by now. So I think that my resolution this year, that I will try, try to keep. Is to jump, and try my hardest not to look, because surprise Is a beautiful thing. I will burn away 2009 and all the years behind it. I will swing away bad things. I will be honest. I will try. I will believe that good change will come this year. I will hold on to that hope, if nothing else. I will remember. And I will jump. I wont be afraid any more. I’m going to jump off that edge, and I’m going to face where ever I land, because im there for a reason. And it needs to be faced. I will be brave. And I will make myself happy. I will make things better. Watch me jump 00's, and know I’m leaving you behind for a reason. Just know that I’m leaving you behind and that I’m ready. Oh so ready..Watch me jump, and I’ll watch you burn, not with hate, but with sickness. Watch, be careful, you might miss it. See? Right in front of you. Watch, here I go. Watch. Jump. Goodbye.

Here We Go

so i know it's been forever since last time, sorry bout that. but i've been thinking alot and i wrote alot and im going to post 3 poems on this one, alright? the next one will be about the new year. so yea. here we go.

Planetary Cold Flame

epically and oh so painfully
we watch the sky burn down
up to hell and say goodbye
to walk through that door
say hello to let this go
the sun bursts
and here we are watching
the universe erupt in cold flame
what ever shall we do
when all that's left is me and you
look up and back down
watch the years spin round
wind you tight around your mind
a captive of your own conceptions
glance around,
with nothing found
back int abyss
burn up all holstered bliss
courts ablaze
death shone
glisten hear, down to the bone
gold liquid
poured down a throat
cold blue flames on a boat
watch and you see?
your looking at you and me
wound up tight around your thoughts
mimicking broken robots
what has become of this beautiful race
shiny, frilly lace
to much of everything,
look at the sky
watch it burn
in cold flame
painfully fly towards hello
epically float away to goodbye
the moon swells
planets scream
watch,
as this is you and me

Untitled

Curiosity,
atrocity,
pull up
let down,
let's go one more round,
step back,
stand up,
this is all just so fucked,
release yourself
let tears flow
this doesn't have to go,
you can make it out alive
but it takes two too survive,
maybe we can live inside,
let up,
turn around,
this isn't a show down,
disappointment shows no fear,
but if your willing to shed a tear,
I'll be here
waiting for the blood to flow
and for you to just say no,
no love
no hate
no fear
no bait
let go
your done
it's been fun,
but this round is won

Irony is a Changed Man

Come all to hear,
or be drowned in fear,
a tale of a man
who refused to shed as tear,
he'd killed,
watched people kill,
He'd even been killed,
with sallow eyes,
he'd raked through graveyards,
courtyards,
and even front yards,
with exploding lips,
he'd cursed and praised,
thrown reason and fear into lives,
with swollen legs,
he'd looked into the mirrors of time,
and smelled exhilarating anticipation,
with a sunken chest,
he'd stabbed strength into families,
and torture kicked, oh so conveniently,
this man is my friend you see,
for i am hypocrisy and he,
he is irony,
and at the end of his tale of toil and woe,
he looked into the souls of the world,
and agreed with one proclaiming into the wind
"NOTHING CHANGED!"
nothing changed, he nodded, toothless smiling,
nothing but him,
as he walked away dieing.


There are more, but they'll come later. :)