Realization is a cruel aspect of life

today i realized im still incredibly hypocritical, if not more. and when you get right down to it? nothing has changed. absolutely nothing. sad isn't it? how sitting in a car just thinking, and all of a sudden BOOM you realize that basically nothing changed, even when everything else did? The Map Of Tears. the song played at a funeral. words shared between a dyeing person and their companion. a dog, running through the street. look around you. how can you tell its all legit, and true? there is so little honesty left in this world. so little faith put in to the youth of today. and for what cost? kids dropping out of school, pregnant at 16. the smartest kid in the class committing suicide, because no one would listen. honesty being thrown to the ground and walked on. what are we to do, but stand by and watch as we destroy our selves? a river flowing silently. the moon shining brightly. a mother protecting her children. pollution slowing overtaking the air. the world spins, faster and faster, out of innocence and into stupidity. it stops. look. watch. see. you do not. no once can see. no one can hear. we are all oblivious to the tragedy taking place, next door, on the street, in another state, an apartment you pass, poor countries, rich countries, in your home, up the stairs, in the yard, on tv, sitting next to you, watching us and trying to understand. it gets worse because we do not address it, we do not acknowledge it, or do anything about it. it wants attention, it needs us to see. but we do not. if you listen closely you will hear. hear the birds singing, and the wind whistling through the trees. or maybe car horns and street workers? hear and you shall see. see and you shall hear. this world is full of love, but there is so much pain that no one can tell, its all built off of lies, and fake illusions. i want to see the world like others, i want to know what they see, how they see and hear. it feels like my eyes are broken, because very few things make sense to me, i can't see or understand. i wish i hadn't figured out my worst fear. i wish i hadn't figured out that it still matters.

feels good to be honest. if only with the interenet..

im so sick of this. being stuck in between. being stuck in my own mind. not knowing how to get out. i want to. i want to listen to her and her and him and all of them. i just dont know how, i haven't figured it out yet. and im so flusterd with all this schedule crap. i dont know what to do. im so lost and confused. everything seems to be going wrong and i feel like such a nuisance for telling people about it. im sick of people telling me things and asking me things and im sick of getting excited and then my hopes get crushed. as stupid as there are. i think im a pushover and that i listen to certain things to much and certain things not enough. i think im trying to hard for somethings and not enough for others. in August i didn't think i'd make it this far, and here i am sitting in January. trying to make sense. and trying to find a way out. because somethings wrong with me and i can't seem to listen to myself. i want to say so many things, i want to tell people so many things, i want to do so many things. but im to fucking scared to do anything. because i care to much what people think. and because of that one fear... every ones telling me all these things and im so overwhelmed. and freaked out. i cant seem to write or draw or do anything that normally helps. im loosing track of things and thinking to much. i wish i could just stop. i wish and i want and i hope and i dream. and i feel so freaking self-centered saying things like that, because i've gone so long like this, i've forgotten how to not be. i need to know how to make things happen and be..alright for lack of better word, in my eyes. but i can't seem to ba able to. its all so fast, and to slow. im trying so hard to accept change, but im not doing to well. i dont do well with change in general. and so much is changing. again. but then i go to talk about it and it all seems so stupid. so i dont. its so weird cause last time i had to get schedule stuff i was all excited and this time im not. im just sad, and exhausted. theres so many issues. yet so few that seem to really matter. and they all feel so stupid when acknowledged. i feel indecisive, even though im not really. im just rather..picky and i over think. at least thats how i see it. I wish i coudl see myself in other peoples eyes. i wish i coudl understand everything. im so sick of wishing stupid things. im sick of wanting impossible things. and im sick of hopping for things that dont happen. thats why im so pessimistic, because my hopes are very beat up. despite that quote "obstacles are put in your way to see how bad you want something" or its something like that...i just feel so...i dont even know any more. am i supposed to feel like this? cause i dont think i should, but im not sure how to go about fixing it. i was perfectly fine, but now im...not. something changed and now things are different. i feel like i did something wrong. like im not following the rules the right way. i feel like im becoming my worst fear. and i constantly feel sick or have a headache. maybe theres some secret that i have yet to figure out. i want to be the image in my head. but i don't know how to get there. and it sounds like something so stupid. and im pathetic for other reasons as well. but i will get there. it will get better. better things will happen. change will be accepted. it has to happen. right? it will. it needs to. eventually. soon. hopefully. maybe i'll just go sit in the back seat and swing away the next few months. maybe? probably. ...i wish. it'll happen. i'll figure it out. i'll feel better. i'll be able to see. i'l lbe able to do those things i haven't lately. i wont' be tired any more. because i have to jump. i have to accept change. i HAVE TO. oneday. someday. i have to try.

Jump

This is the long version of my New Years Resolution. Here We Go.

So there you have it. Its officially 2010. One year gone by, and so much has changed. When the ball dropped I watched the clock, 11:59 and it held on to the 00's for just another few seconds, before letting go and starting new, new year new decade new everything. As I write I feel my eyes burn and all they want to do is burn away 2009 and all that happened with in it. I jumped into the year with mads, just talking away on face-book, talking about what felt like everything. I think I made it. Im here in one piece, right? This year has to be better. We knew that 09 was going to suck. We didn’t know the hell in it, but we knew never the less. And I know, I have to know, that this year will be better. It will be fun. It has to be. And oh how I so want to believe that.i wish it was as easy as writing off 09 and burning away the year that changed me the most. I discovered this song the other day, called Swing Life Away by Rise Against. I love it, and I’m listening to it right now. “We live on front porches and swing life away we get by just fine here” I'm so sad. I'm so sick of things changing and being different and I just want something to stand still for a little. I'm so lost. And I don’t want to be. I think that 09 was the making of me, and I think this year will put it to use, in ways that are more for me then everyone else. Regardless of how selfish I sound. I am going to make this year good. I will become happy. This year has to be the good change, right? Because the bad is already done with. And I made it. We made it. Life has to get better. It will. My eyes burn so bad. My clock seems to be going super fast now, as if those last seconds had to made up for in minutes. I don’t know what’s going to happen. And I’ve excepted that I have very little control over it. I’ve excepted that this year, things are going to change again. And im trying so so hard to except change in general. I can still feel the paths of the tears I don’t cry. And I can feel there weight, whether or not there there. So much has changed. So much. But I think that eventually it’ll all be okay. It has to be. Because all I have right now is hope that this year will change everything for the better, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. Because hope is all you have when you feel like you’ve got nothing left. I haven’t willingly hugged my parents since last December and I mean 08. This year, I will. I’ll make things okay ish. This year I’ll remember things. And I’ll do the things I’ve been so, so afraid to do. I’ll try. I won’t be afraid. I have to jump somewhere, so since this year is going to be so much better, why not jump sooner then later? Because the longer you wait the harder it gets. I should know that very well by now. So I think that my resolution this year, that I will try, try to keep. Is to jump, and try my hardest not to look, because surprise Is a beautiful thing. I will burn away 2009 and all the years behind it. I will swing away bad things. I will be honest. I will try. I will believe that good change will come this year. I will hold on to that hope, if nothing else. I will remember. And I will jump. I wont be afraid any more. I’m going to jump off that edge, and I’m going to face where ever I land, because im there for a reason. And it needs to be faced. I will be brave. And I will make myself happy. I will make things better. Watch me jump 00's, and know I’m leaving you behind for a reason. Just know that I’m leaving you behind and that I’m ready. Oh so ready..Watch me jump, and I’ll watch you burn, not with hate, but with sickness. Watch, be careful, you might miss it. See? Right in front of you. Watch, here I go. Watch. Jump. Goodbye.

Here We Go

so i know it's been forever since last time, sorry bout that. but i've been thinking alot and i wrote alot and im going to post 3 poems on this one, alright? the next one will be about the new year. so yea. here we go.

Planetary Cold Flame

epically and oh so painfully
we watch the sky burn down
up to hell and say goodbye
to walk through that door
say hello to let this go
the sun bursts
and here we are watching
the universe erupt in cold flame
what ever shall we do
when all that's left is me and you
look up and back down
watch the years spin round
wind you tight around your mind
a captive of your own conceptions
glance around,
with nothing found
back int abyss
burn up all holstered bliss
courts ablaze
death shone
glisten hear, down to the bone
gold liquid
poured down a throat
cold blue flames on a boat
watch and you see?
your looking at you and me
wound up tight around your thoughts
mimicking broken robots
what has become of this beautiful race
shiny, frilly lace
to much of everything,
look at the sky
watch it burn
in cold flame
painfully fly towards hello
epically float away to goodbye
the moon swells
planets scream
watch,
as this is you and me

Untitled

Curiosity,
atrocity,
pull up
let down,
let's go one more round,
step back,
stand up,
this is all just so fucked,
release yourself
let tears flow
this doesn't have to go,
you can make it out alive
but it takes two too survive,
maybe we can live inside,
let up,
turn around,
this isn't a show down,
disappointment shows no fear,
but if your willing to shed a tear,
I'll be here
waiting for the blood to flow
and for you to just say no,
no love
no hate
no fear
no bait
let go
your done
it's been fun,
but this round is won

Irony is a Changed Man

Come all to hear,
or be drowned in fear,
a tale of a man
who refused to shed as tear,
he'd killed,
watched people kill,
He'd even been killed,
with sallow eyes,
he'd raked through graveyards,
courtyards,
and even front yards,
with exploding lips,
he'd cursed and praised,
thrown reason and fear into lives,
with swollen legs,
he'd looked into the mirrors of time,
and smelled exhilarating anticipation,
with a sunken chest,
he'd stabbed strength into families,
and torture kicked, oh so conveniently,
this man is my friend you see,
for i am hypocrisy and he,
he is irony,
and at the end of his tale of toil and woe,
he looked into the souls of the world,
and agreed with one proclaiming into the wind
"NOTHING CHANGED!"
nothing changed, he nodded, toothless smiling,
nothing but him,
as he walked away dieing.


There are more, but they'll come later. :)