sucking on a jolly rancher.
wishing things could have stayed the same.
I'll find a meaning in this one day.
what can we do,
what can we say
when nothing feels okay?
If life is all,
random coincidence.
and the only thing thats constant
is change,
How do we stay.
who we are,
what we feel,
its all a game that can make this pain feel
so real.
What would you wish for, if you had one chance?
would you make that difference, be the choice between life and death?
or would you walk away and leave them hanging,
lost because the person they thought would always be there.
wasn't.
All we have,
is this give and take,
please and thankyou,
yes or no,
left or right,
this or that,
up or down,
how do you prevent,
one more round?
Take a picture.
"Forever a memory"
would it not be if you didn't record it?
we live in a society of electric technology,
thats going to be the death of our race.
How do you cope,
deal with the overwhelming,
emotion.
when the spotlight seems to be permanently trained on you?
Places painted,
like candy canes,
do you feel ashamed?
Stir your cigarette ashes,
with that sugar coated ladle
dip your finger in them,
and tell us
whats your poison?
Breath.
Just.
Breath.
one day,
it'll all be worth it.
One Day,
it'll all be
Ok.
Friday, September 10, 2010
My Hole, It's Not A Rabbit Hole, It's A Gofer Hold. Your Water For Your Stupid Plants. (6-22-10)
The sound of your voice makes my eyes burn
the orange sunset lit the sky on fire
and you were to busy to turn
the scary thing is shes right
i dont know who to believe.
if i can't breath, but im floating above the water
and your sitting on the dock watching
what happened to all those promises from all those years?
the kid figured me out right away
you freaked out
again and again.
the memories i never wanted to make go up in flames
the people i never wanted to meet,
confusedly retreat.
this is what happens when everyones right,
when your all wrong.
look at the mountains.
my vision went blurry,
now i look stoned.
have you no faith in me?
acuse left and right,
im done with your drama
that you dont realize you create.
weren't you supposed to be the one that..did everything?
so why am i digging out of your mess?
im sick of you.
im sick of all of you.
if i want to go down the damn rabbit hole then so be it. what are you going to do about it?
the orange sunset lit the sky on fire
and you were to busy to turn
the scary thing is shes right
i dont know who to believe.
if i can't breath, but im floating above the water
and your sitting on the dock watching
what happened to all those promises from all those years?
the kid figured me out right away
you freaked out
again and again.
the memories i never wanted to make go up in flames
the people i never wanted to meet,
confusedly retreat.
this is what happens when everyones right,
when your all wrong.
look at the mountains.
my vision went blurry,
now i look stoned.
have you no faith in me?
acuse left and right,
im done with your drama
that you dont realize you create.
weren't you supposed to be the one that..did everything?
so why am i digging out of your mess?
im sick of you.
im sick of all of you.
if i want to go down the damn rabbit hole then so be it. what are you going to do about it?
Oppotunity. Lies. Your Freaking Plants..and Now You Know (6-19-10)
here. this. now. 1.2.3. click. its a snapshot, look again. what do you see?
this is for You.
im doing what i can, and if shutting you out is going to help me, so be it.
im not just down the hall anymore. you can't corner me like you used to.
in my head?
this is all still a game. its all pretend. i lie to myself.
every single night.
because if i dont. i wont sleep.
if your so afraid i'll turn into you. what are you afraid of?
so what if i have to lie to myself to do just about any function, be it going to sleep, getting up or just being the person im supposed to be.
life throws opportunities at us all the time.
its what we do with them that makes us who we are. its how we handle the latest bump in the road, earthquake in society. If you have to cross bridges to burn them, then how do you burn them to begin with. because theres plenty of bridges i've walked away from. and they all went up in flames. without my crossing.
Is it really so bad, that i shut myself off from you? that i lie to myself because i'd been even worse off if i didn't? that every day i come closer to just snapping and saying what i REALLY think?
its not your fault, despite your belief. its theirs. its hers. and you know it.
you had an opportunity, a choice that isn't nearly as apparent to most people. you had an option, you had everything even though it felt like nothing. now, thats what i have. except i dont have one person who really knows whats going on. you did. but you miles and miles from that person now.
you took that opportunity. its not wrong. its ok with me, always what you wanted. but your choice gave me an opportunity, and i took it.
at least i know im in denial. but im not a liar to the rest of the world. not really if you think about it.
I really would sell my soul before i let reality get to me.
im pretty sure i have...
the thing is, i was lied to. and your all doing a terrible job of covering it up.
things did not get better. they have consistently gone down hill since that day. we are not better off. and i might actually be happy by now if this hadn't happened. but it did. who saw it coming? ...exactly. no one. i dont care what happened before. i've been fed stories and lied to up and down all my life. and you want to know why i dont trust any of you? please. you took away everything. i wasn't a positive person to begin with and i could say some things that would scare you beyond belief. if i didn't like any of you then, i hate you all now. which you all seem to believe i'll get over.
i sold my soul, ate my heart and lit my mind on fire for you people. and im going to end up the worst out of all of you.
...it wouldn't be so bad really, if i hadn't been lied to so blandly. and so obviously. if i hadnt been forced to recall long gone memories. the trouble is,
exactly the opposite of what you wanted happened.
i can always dream and i can always wish. but your the reason i dont believe in love, or good relationships in my life. the reason that i believe that wishes dont come true and dreams are just pretty decorated lies that sing you to sleep.
the thing is. the person who is going to think this is directed at is wrong. i dont blame you. im not mad. your just not here. understand? your.not.here. therefore you can't do anything about my world. im used to it now though.
no, the person its directed at is old. think. not that old in reality. but physically they look about ten or more years older. they act around there to, half the time.
think.
the one person who could've prevented all of this and saved the trouble and money.
and my...sanity, well-being, soul, happiness.
what they couldn't see?
what they're working for so desperately?
could've been fixed much easier, faster, and more efficiently then this.
dont get me wrong, i'll get over it eventually. but not in the way you would think. not they way im supposed to. because im the one that doesn't do what shes told. im the one who fights back and actually tells what im really thinking.
or at least i was.
and guesses as to what happened?
I know i have a few...
this is for You.
im doing what i can, and if shutting you out is going to help me, so be it.
im not just down the hall anymore. you can't corner me like you used to.
in my head?
this is all still a game. its all pretend. i lie to myself.
every single night.
because if i dont. i wont sleep.
if your so afraid i'll turn into you. what are you afraid of?
so what if i have to lie to myself to do just about any function, be it going to sleep, getting up or just being the person im supposed to be.
life throws opportunities at us all the time.
its what we do with them that makes us who we are. its how we handle the latest bump in the road, earthquake in society. If you have to cross bridges to burn them, then how do you burn them to begin with. because theres plenty of bridges i've walked away from. and they all went up in flames. without my crossing.
Is it really so bad, that i shut myself off from you? that i lie to myself because i'd been even worse off if i didn't? that every day i come closer to just snapping and saying what i REALLY think?
its not your fault, despite your belief. its theirs. its hers. and you know it.
you had an opportunity, a choice that isn't nearly as apparent to most people. you had an option, you had everything even though it felt like nothing. now, thats what i have. except i dont have one person who really knows whats going on. you did. but you miles and miles from that person now.
you took that opportunity. its not wrong. its ok with me, always what you wanted. but your choice gave me an opportunity, and i took it.
at least i know im in denial. but im not a liar to the rest of the world. not really if you think about it.
I really would sell my soul before i let reality get to me.
im pretty sure i have...
the thing is, i was lied to. and your all doing a terrible job of covering it up.
things did not get better. they have consistently gone down hill since that day. we are not better off. and i might actually be happy by now if this hadn't happened. but it did. who saw it coming? ...exactly. no one. i dont care what happened before. i've been fed stories and lied to up and down all my life. and you want to know why i dont trust any of you? please. you took away everything. i wasn't a positive person to begin with and i could say some things that would scare you beyond belief. if i didn't like any of you then, i hate you all now. which you all seem to believe i'll get over.
i sold my soul, ate my heart and lit my mind on fire for you people. and im going to end up the worst out of all of you.
...it wouldn't be so bad really, if i hadn't been lied to so blandly. and so obviously. if i hadnt been forced to recall long gone memories. the trouble is,
exactly the opposite of what you wanted happened.
i can always dream and i can always wish. but your the reason i dont believe in love, or good relationships in my life. the reason that i believe that wishes dont come true and dreams are just pretty decorated lies that sing you to sleep.
the thing is. the person who is going to think this is directed at is wrong. i dont blame you. im not mad. your just not here. understand? your.not.here. therefore you can't do anything about my world. im used to it now though.
no, the person its directed at is old. think. not that old in reality. but physically they look about ten or more years older. they act around there to, half the time.
think.
the one person who could've prevented all of this and saved the trouble and money.
and my...sanity, well-being, soul, happiness.
what they couldn't see?
what they're working for so desperately?
could've been fixed much easier, faster, and more efficiently then this.
dont get me wrong, i'll get over it eventually. but not in the way you would think. not they way im supposed to. because im the one that doesn't do what shes told. im the one who fights back and actually tells what im really thinking.
or at least i was.
and guesses as to what happened?
I know i have a few...
I Had A Song Stuck In My Head and this Is What Came Out Of It (4-30-10)
Oh what a decorative emergency,
is it easy?
so tell me baby,
whens the last time you stayed up late?
Come home with me and you'll never fall asleep
i've got a great view of the city and star skyline from my yard,
you can tell me all about it and maybe just maybe,
oh baby,
you gotta believe me when i say
that i actually care
lets sing songs to the trees and dance in the rain,
maybe we can
baby we can,
ohh
fall in a head of heels spin,
are you crazy for me?
I gotta say that im not sorry,
this is the last time,
oh its the last time
im not gonna lie to you any more,
trip out and fall over,
this is what you mean to me
oh baby,
this is what you mean to me
tell me where i am to you
is it easy?
so tell me baby,
whens the last time you stayed up late?
Come home with me and you'll never fall asleep
i've got a great view of the city and star skyline from my yard,
you can tell me all about it and maybe just maybe,
oh baby,
you gotta believe me when i say
that i actually care
lets sing songs to the trees and dance in the rain,
maybe we can
baby we can,
ohh
fall in a head of heels spin,
are you crazy for me?
I gotta say that im not sorry,
this is the last time,
oh its the last time
im not gonna lie to you any more,
trip out and fall over,
this is what you mean to me
oh baby,
this is what you mean to me
tell me where i am to you
Forsted Souls (4-26-10)
plastic realities
and pipe dreams,
tell me what it means
sugar coated candy canes,
with purple guitar strings,
websites and water bottles,
to paint on a smile,
is that all it takes to believe the bait?
how do you watch, review the file
pepper tainted, lemon glares
can you avoid the stares?
bittersweet "How-to"
Tardy body builds,
glowing pastel signs,
neon minds struggling,
to come alive.
juice boxes filled with lies
margarine soaked bread crumbs,
twirl around, flaunt your dance
take your one,
last chance.
and pipe dreams,
tell me what it means
sugar coated candy canes,
with purple guitar strings,
websites and water bottles,
to paint on a smile,
is that all it takes to believe the bait?
how do you watch, review the file
pepper tainted, lemon glares
can you avoid the stares?
bittersweet "How-to"
Tardy body builds,
glowing pastel signs,
neon minds struggling,
to come alive.
juice boxes filled with lies
margarine soaked bread crumbs,
twirl around, flaunt your dance
take your one,
last chance.
Well Well Well (1-31-10)
I've overdosed on the love you fake,
i've overdosed on the hate you poor into me,
im sending you up to hell to watch you bake,
so you can call me angry,
can call me a b!tch,
pretend to understand,
watch.
look.
see?
let's go
but this time?
i'm in control,
listen to see,
your wrong,
nothing is what you want it to be,
stop.
look.
listen.
want is for the hopeful,
hope is for the wishful,
wishing is for the gullible,
your an addict,
overdosing on the blood of your family,
im sick of your manipulating,
sick of your lies,
sure,
i'll hold a grudge
but only on you,
and you
because of what you did to me,
dont let go,
but look below,
the past will glisten,
with memories of mistakes,
the stars might shine,
but the sun is glaring,
hold your breath,
sharpen that blade,
let's get dizzy together
and get lost in our minds,
forget yourself
spin through the clouds
watch that lake,
it's getting deeper
call me what you want,
but this is my life,
and your going down,
watch and you'll see,
your blind to me
i've overdosed on the hate you poor into me,
im sending you up to hell to watch you bake,
so you can call me angry,
can call me a b!tch,
pretend to understand,
watch.
look.
see?
let's go
but this time?
i'm in control,
listen to see,
your wrong,
nothing is what you want it to be,
stop.
look.
listen.
want is for the hopeful,
hope is for the wishful,
wishing is for the gullible,
your an addict,
overdosing on the blood of your family,
im sick of your manipulating,
sick of your lies,
sure,
i'll hold a grudge
but only on you,
and you
because of what you did to me,
dont let go,
but look below,
the past will glisten,
with memories of mistakes,
the stars might shine,
but the sun is glaring,
hold your breath,
sharpen that blade,
let's get dizzy together
and get lost in our minds,
forget yourself
spin through the clouds
watch that lake,
it's getting deeper
call me what you want,
but this is my life,
and your going down,
watch and you'll see,
your blind to me
Sunday, March 28, 2010
If Only I knew...
I just read my myspace blogs from before my life got like 10 times worse. god i was so stupid and rather pathetic. If only i knew. i would've copied them to this blog, but it doesn't work properly and cuts off half of it. i just can't believe how stupid i was, i mean considering all the thinking with theories and ideas and things i come up with in my mind like the images or ideas for stories. i just feel so stupid, like if only i had known what was coming then maybe i wouldn't have hated my life so much. im just so, so flustered i just, i don't know what to do. maybe if i think about it more it'll make sense, hahaha because thats a good idea. any way i had to tell someone how i feel so i figured i'd write about it since i haven't written in so long. ugh, i hate this. i just can't win with life, can i? whatever.
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