here. this. now. 1.2.3. click. its a snapshot, look again. what do you see?
this is for You.
im doing what i can, and if shutting you out is going to help me, so be it.
im not just down the hall anymore. you can't corner me like you used to.
in my head?
this is all still a game. its all pretend. i lie to myself.
every single night.
because if i dont. i wont sleep.
if your so afraid i'll turn into you. what are you afraid of?
so what if i have to lie to myself to do just about any function, be it going to sleep, getting up or just being the person im supposed to be.
life throws opportunities at us all the time.
its what we do with them that makes us who we are. its how we handle the latest bump in the road, earthquake in society. If you have to cross bridges to burn them, then how do you burn them to begin with. because theres plenty of bridges i've walked away from. and they all went up in flames. without my crossing.
Is it really so bad, that i shut myself off from you? that i lie to myself because i'd been even worse off if i didn't? that every day i come closer to just snapping and saying what i REALLY think?
its not your fault, despite your belief. its theirs. its hers. and you know it.
you had an opportunity, a choice that isn't nearly as apparent to most people. you had an option, you had everything even though it felt like nothing. now, thats what i have. except i dont have one person who really knows whats going on. you did. but you miles and miles from that person now.
you took that opportunity. its not wrong. its ok with me, always what you wanted. but your choice gave me an opportunity, and i took it.
at least i know im in denial. but im not a liar to the rest of the world. not really if you think about it.
I really would sell my soul before i let reality get to me.
im pretty sure i have...
the thing is, i was lied to. and your all doing a terrible job of covering it up.
things did not get better. they have consistently gone down hill since that day. we are not better off. and i might actually be happy by now if this hadn't happened. but it did. who saw it coming? ...exactly. no one. i dont care what happened before. i've been fed stories and lied to up and down all my life. and you want to know why i dont trust any of you? please. you took away everything. i wasn't a positive person to begin with and i could say some things that would scare you beyond belief. if i didn't like any of you then, i hate you all now. which you all seem to believe i'll get over.
i sold my soul, ate my heart and lit my mind on fire for you people. and im going to end up the worst out of all of you.
...it wouldn't be so bad really, if i hadn't been lied to so blandly. and so obviously. if i hadnt been forced to recall long gone memories. the trouble is,
exactly the opposite of what you wanted happened.
i can always dream and i can always wish. but your the reason i dont believe in love, or good relationships in my life. the reason that i believe that wishes dont come true and dreams are just pretty decorated lies that sing you to sleep.
the thing is. the person who is going to think this is directed at is wrong. i dont blame you. im not mad. your just not here. understand? your.not.here. therefore you can't do anything about my world. im used to it now though.
no, the person its directed at is old. think. not that old in reality. but physically they look about ten or more years older. they act around there to, half the time.
think.
the one person who could've prevented all of this and saved the trouble and money.
and my...sanity, well-being, soul, happiness.
what they couldn't see?
what they're working for so desperately?
could've been fixed much easier, faster, and more efficiently then this.
dont get me wrong, i'll get over it eventually. but not in the way you would think. not they way im supposed to. because im the one that doesn't do what shes told. im the one who fights back and actually tells what im really thinking.
or at least i was.
and guesses as to what happened?
I know i have a few...
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