Hurt

12/2/09
9:46 p.m.
So that’s it then. It’s been almost a year and so much has changed. It’s going to be January before I know it. Then March. I have to think about high school. I have to enter the “real world before real life” I don’t want her to leave. And she knows it. Im sick of thinking in circles. Im sick of thinking. I want to tear down these walls and see what I missed. I want to figure out what happened. I think the thing holding us together was the fact that we were both sort of lost in our family. Neither of us liked dad. And we both were rather strange. I think the hatred we felt for him kept us together. That and she was all I had, and all I knew. That’s different now. And we both know it. I don’t want us to end up like those people that ‘disown’ each other and then only see each other again when someone graduates of gets married or something. I don’t want that. I’m trying to get used to her not being here. And they don’t realize I’ve forgotten how to..not be so hostile and angry. She’s right. And I hate that she is. But its true and It hurts. He asks who I want to stay with. My first thought is mom. I tell him I don’t know, it depends on where you both live. He tells me that mom might have to move. And he doesn’t want the house. I know this already. But hearing it still hurts. I want to live with mom. I like dad fine. But he’s bad for me. They all are. They all scare me. I don’t know what to do. I forget things minutes after there said sometimes. I used to have the best memory in the family. I don’t want to grow up like this. I want to be the girl kasey sees. I want to be what everyone else needs me to be. Because I think I’ve forgotten how to be who I was before. They think I want attention. Im just scared and confused. Oh so confused. I stop thinking and do stupid things. I almost hate myself. I think so low of me. I don’t think they can see that. I think they think its all an act. And maybe it used to be. But I don’t think it is now. And thats the sad thing, I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. Except what I wish. And what will never happen. I can always dream though can’t I? All I’ve wanted to do for so long is scream at the top of my lungs and cry. I want to cry. And the horrible thing is I want something bad to happen to make me cry. I don’t like how much they care. It drives me crazy. I think that its stupid for me to be this way when they care. I need a reason to be like this. I hate it I can’t help thinking how selfish I am when I think this much about what I want or need. Or think. It all just seems so stupid. My own dog won’t listen to me any more. Last night I did something I haven’t done in years. I talked to Beary. That’ how alone, scared, and confused I feel. I want to talk to someone. I can’t seem to tell Kristen the other reasons im there. I can’t seem to do anything im supposed to. The way im supposed to. Im sick of acting like such a stereotype I hate almost everything about myself. She called him Phil the other day. I called him that for years. Till about June. It punched me in the stomach so hard when she did that. Its things like that And things I do that are making me think more and more of taking pills, sticking my fingers down my throat, or stabbing my arm. Which Is bad. I’ve never thought this much about any of that. I’ve never been this..upset before. And I think Im more emotional about it then the others because I reacted so differently. I shut down. And im still sleeping. I want help but I don’t know how to get it. And I can’t seem to do anything about it. Nothing makes sense any more. And all I want is a safe hug. I hate hugging my dad. Kasey is alright sometimes. I hate hugging mom. I can only hug people that are bigger then me. Because then I feel small. And I want to be small. Instead though I feel huge when I hug anyone else. I know its stupid. Most of this is stupid. But it’s a bit of whats going on inside. And I just needed to get it out. It’s not supposed to be easy, and it’s not going to get any easier, I know that. I just wish I had someone to tell me what to do. I wish I didn’t have to wish for stupid things like that. And I wish they would stop killing my traditions without even knowing. I wish something big and great would happen. But its not going to. Because im so freaking pessimistic. Im so freaking stupid. And confused. And scared. I just keep putting up walls. And there’s to many for me to handle now. I wish I could breath.
12/2/09
10:23 P.M.