feels good to be honest. if only with the interenet..

im so sick of this. being stuck in between. being stuck in my own mind. not knowing how to get out. i want to. i want to listen to her and her and him and all of them. i just dont know how, i haven't figured it out yet. and im so flusterd with all this schedule crap. i dont know what to do. im so lost and confused. everything seems to be going wrong and i feel like such a nuisance for telling people about it. im sick of people telling me things and asking me things and im sick of getting excited and then my hopes get crushed. as stupid as there are. i think im a pushover and that i listen to certain things to much and certain things not enough. i think im trying to hard for somethings and not enough for others. in August i didn't think i'd make it this far, and here i am sitting in January. trying to make sense. and trying to find a way out. because somethings wrong with me and i can't seem to listen to myself. i want to say so many things, i want to tell people so many things, i want to do so many things. but im to fucking scared to do anything. because i care to much what people think. and because of that one fear... every ones telling me all these things and im so overwhelmed. and freaked out. i cant seem to write or draw or do anything that normally helps. im loosing track of things and thinking to much. i wish i could just stop. i wish and i want and i hope and i dream. and i feel so freaking self-centered saying things like that, because i've gone so long like this, i've forgotten how to not be. i need to know how to make things happen and be..alright for lack of better word, in my eyes. but i can't seem to ba able to. its all so fast, and to slow. im trying so hard to accept change, but im not doing to well. i dont do well with change in general. and so much is changing. again. but then i go to talk about it and it all seems so stupid. so i dont. its so weird cause last time i had to get schedule stuff i was all excited and this time im not. im just sad, and exhausted. theres so many issues. yet so few that seem to really matter. and they all feel so stupid when acknowledged. i feel indecisive, even though im not really. im just rather..picky and i over think. at least thats how i see it. I wish i coudl see myself in other peoples eyes. i wish i coudl understand everything. im so sick of wishing stupid things. im sick of wanting impossible things. and im sick of hopping for things that dont happen. thats why im so pessimistic, because my hopes are very beat up. despite that quote "obstacles are put in your way to see how bad you want something" or its something like that...i just feel so...i dont even know any more. am i supposed to feel like this? cause i dont think i should, but im not sure how to go about fixing it. i was perfectly fine, but now im...not. something changed and now things are different. i feel like i did something wrong. like im not following the rules the right way. i feel like im becoming my worst fear. and i constantly feel sick or have a headache. maybe theres some secret that i have yet to figure out. i want to be the image in my head. but i don't know how to get there. and it sounds like something so stupid. and im pathetic for other reasons as well. but i will get there. it will get better. better things will happen. change will be accepted. it has to happen. right? it will. it needs to. eventually. soon. hopefully. maybe i'll just go sit in the back seat and swing away the next few months. maybe? probably. ...i wish. it'll happen. i'll figure it out. i'll feel better. i'll be able to see. i'l lbe able to do those things i haven't lately. i wont' be tired any more. because i have to jump. i have to accept change. i HAVE TO. oneday. someday. i have to try.