Friday, January 15, 2010
Realization is a cruel aspect of life
today i realized im still incredibly hypocritical, if not more. and when you get right down to it? nothing has changed. absolutely nothing. sad isn't it? how sitting in a car just thinking, and all of a sudden BOOM you realize that basically nothing changed, even when everything else did? The Map Of Tears. the song played at a funeral. words shared between a dyeing person and their companion. a dog, running through the street. look around you. how can you tell its all legit, and true? there is so little honesty left in this world. so little faith put in to the youth of today. and for what cost? kids dropping out of school, pregnant at 16. the smartest kid in the class committing suicide, because no one would listen. honesty being thrown to the ground and walked on. what are we to do, but stand by and watch as we destroy our selves? a river flowing silently. the moon shining brightly. a mother protecting her children. pollution slowing overtaking the air. the world spins, faster and faster, out of innocence and into stupidity. it stops. look. watch. see. you do not. no once can see. no one can hear. we are all oblivious to the tragedy taking place, next door, on the street, in another state, an apartment you pass, poor countries, rich countries, in your home, up the stairs, in the yard, on tv, sitting next to you, watching us and trying to understand. it gets worse because we do not address it, we do not acknowledge it, or do anything about it. it wants attention, it needs us to see. but we do not. if you listen closely you will hear. hear the birds singing, and the wind whistling through the trees. or maybe car horns and street workers? hear and you shall see. see and you shall hear. this world is full of love, but there is so much pain that no one can tell, its all built off of lies, and fake illusions. i want to see the world like others, i want to know what they see, how they see and hear. it feels like my eyes are broken, because very few things make sense to me, i can't see or understand. i wish i hadn't figured out my worst fear. i wish i hadn't figured out that it still matters.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
feels good to be honest. if only with the interenet..
im so sick of this. being stuck in between. being stuck in my own mind. not knowing how to get out. i want to. i want to listen to her and her and him and all of them. i just dont know how, i haven't figured it out yet. and im so flusterd with all this schedule crap. i dont know what to do. im so lost and confused. everything seems to be going wrong and i feel like such a nuisance for telling people about it. im sick of people telling me things and asking me things and im sick of getting excited and then my hopes get crushed. as stupid as there are. i think im a pushover and that i listen to certain things to much and certain things not enough. i think im trying to hard for somethings and not enough for others. in August i didn't think i'd make it this far, and here i am sitting in January. trying to make sense. and trying to find a way out. because somethings wrong with me and i can't seem to listen to myself. i want to say so many things, i want to tell people so many things, i want to do so many things. but im to fucking scared to do anything. because i care to much what people think. and because of that one fear... every ones telling me all these things and im so overwhelmed. and freaked out. i cant seem to write or draw or do anything that normally helps. im loosing track of things and thinking to much. i wish i could just stop. i wish and i want and i hope and i dream. and i feel so freaking self-centered saying things like that, because i've gone so long like this, i've forgotten how to not be. i need to know how to make things happen and be..alright for lack of better word, in my eyes. but i can't seem to ba able to. its all so fast, and to slow. im trying so hard to accept change, but im not doing to well. i dont do well with change in general. and so much is changing. again. but then i go to talk about it and it all seems so stupid. so i dont. its so weird cause last time i had to get schedule stuff i was all excited and this time im not. im just sad, and exhausted. theres so many issues. yet so few that seem to really matter. and they all feel so stupid when acknowledged. i feel indecisive, even though im not really. im just rather..picky and i over think. at least thats how i see it. I wish i coudl see myself in other peoples eyes. i wish i coudl understand everything. im so sick of wishing stupid things. im sick of wanting impossible things. and im sick of hopping for things that dont happen. thats why im so pessimistic, because my hopes are very beat up. despite that quote "obstacles are put in your way to see how bad you want something" or its something like that...i just feel so...i dont even know any more. am i supposed to feel like this? cause i dont think i should, but im not sure how to go about fixing it. i was perfectly fine, but now im...not. something changed and now things are different. i feel like i did something wrong. like im not following the rules the right way. i feel like im becoming my worst fear. and i constantly feel sick or have a headache. maybe theres some secret that i have yet to figure out. i want to be the image in my head. but i don't know how to get there. and it sounds like something so stupid. and im pathetic for other reasons as well. but i will get there. it will get better. better things will happen. change will be accepted. it has to happen. right? it will. it needs to. eventually. soon. hopefully. maybe i'll just go sit in the back seat and swing away the next few months. maybe? probably. ...i wish. it'll happen. i'll figure it out. i'll feel better. i'll be able to see. i'l lbe able to do those things i haven't lately. i wont' be tired any more. because i have to jump. i have to accept change. i HAVE TO. oneday. someday. i have to try.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Jump
This is the long version of my New Years Resolution. Here We Go.
So there you have it. Its officially 2010. One year gone by, and so much has changed. When the ball dropped I watched the clock, 11:59 and it held on to the 00's for just another few seconds, before letting go and starting new, new year new decade new everything. As I write I feel my eyes burn and all they want to do is burn away 2009 and all that happened with in it. I jumped into the year with mads, just talking away on face-book, talking about what felt like everything. I think I made it. Im here in one piece, right? This year has to be better. We knew that 09 was going to suck. We didn’t know the hell in it, but we knew never the less. And I know, I have to know, that this year will be better. It will be fun. It has to be. And oh how I so want to believe that.i wish it was as easy as writing off 09 and burning away the year that changed me the most. I discovered this song the other day, called Swing Life Away by Rise Against. I love it, and I’m listening to it right now. “We live on front porches and swing life away we get by just fine here” I'm so sad. I'm so sick of things changing and being different and I just want something to stand still for a little. I'm so lost. And I don’t want to be. I think that 09 was the making of me, and I think this year will put it to use, in ways that are more for me then everyone else. Regardless of how selfish I sound. I am going to make this year good. I will become happy. This year has to be the good change, right? Because the bad is already done with. And I made it. We made it. Life has to get better. It will. My eyes burn so bad. My clock seems to be going super fast now, as if those last seconds had to made up for in minutes. I don’t know what’s going to happen. And I’ve excepted that I have very little control over it. I’ve excepted that this year, things are going to change again. And im trying so so hard to except change in general. I can still feel the paths of the tears I don’t cry. And I can feel there weight, whether or not there there. So much has changed. So much. But I think that eventually it’ll all be okay. It has to be. Because all I have right now is hope that this year will change everything for the better, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. Because hope is all you have when you feel like you’ve got nothing left. I haven’t willingly hugged my parents since last December and I mean 08. This year, I will. I’ll make things okay ish. This year I’ll remember things. And I’ll do the things I’ve been so, so afraid to do. I’ll try. I won’t be afraid. I have to jump somewhere, so since this year is going to be so much better, why not jump sooner then later? Because the longer you wait the harder it gets. I should know that very well by now. So I think that my resolution this year, that I will try, try to keep. Is to jump, and try my hardest not to look, because surprise Is a beautiful thing. I will burn away 2009 and all the years behind it. I will swing away bad things. I will be honest. I will try. I will believe that good change will come this year. I will hold on to that hope, if nothing else. I will remember. And I will jump. I wont be afraid any more. I’m going to jump off that edge, and I’m going to face where ever I land, because im there for a reason. And it needs to be faced. I will be brave. And I will make myself happy. I will make things better. Watch me jump 00's, and know I’m leaving you behind for a reason. Just know that I’m leaving you behind and that I’m ready. Oh so ready..Watch me jump, and I’ll watch you burn, not with hate, but with sickness. Watch, be careful, you might miss it. See? Right in front of you. Watch, here I go. Watch. Jump. Goodbye.
So there you have it. Its officially 2010. One year gone by, and so much has changed. When the ball dropped I watched the clock, 11:59 and it held on to the 00's for just another few seconds, before letting go and starting new, new year new decade new everything. As I write I feel my eyes burn and all they want to do is burn away 2009 and all that happened with in it. I jumped into the year with mads, just talking away on face-book, talking about what felt like everything. I think I made it. Im here in one piece, right? This year has to be better. We knew that 09 was going to suck. We didn’t know the hell in it, but we knew never the less. And I know, I have to know, that this year will be better. It will be fun. It has to be. And oh how I so want to believe that.i wish it was as easy as writing off 09 and burning away the year that changed me the most. I discovered this song the other day, called Swing Life Away by Rise Against. I love it, and I’m listening to it right now. “We live on front porches and swing life away we get by just fine here” I'm so sad. I'm so sick of things changing and being different and I just want something to stand still for a little. I'm so lost. And I don’t want to be. I think that 09 was the making of me, and I think this year will put it to use, in ways that are more for me then everyone else. Regardless of how selfish I sound. I am going to make this year good. I will become happy. This year has to be the good change, right? Because the bad is already done with. And I made it. We made it. Life has to get better. It will. My eyes burn so bad. My clock seems to be going super fast now, as if those last seconds had to made up for in minutes. I don’t know what’s going to happen. And I’ve excepted that I have very little control over it. I’ve excepted that this year, things are going to change again. And im trying so so hard to except change in general. I can still feel the paths of the tears I don’t cry. And I can feel there weight, whether or not there there. So much has changed. So much. But I think that eventually it’ll all be okay. It has to be. Because all I have right now is hope that this year will change everything for the better, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. Because hope is all you have when you feel like you’ve got nothing left. I haven’t willingly hugged my parents since last December and I mean 08. This year, I will. I’ll make things okay ish. This year I’ll remember things. And I’ll do the things I’ve been so, so afraid to do. I’ll try. I won’t be afraid. I have to jump somewhere, so since this year is going to be so much better, why not jump sooner then later? Because the longer you wait the harder it gets. I should know that very well by now. So I think that my resolution this year, that I will try, try to keep. Is to jump, and try my hardest not to look, because surprise Is a beautiful thing. I will burn away 2009 and all the years behind it. I will swing away bad things. I will be honest. I will try. I will believe that good change will come this year. I will hold on to that hope, if nothing else. I will remember. And I will jump. I wont be afraid any more. I’m going to jump off that edge, and I’m going to face where ever I land, because im there for a reason. And it needs to be faced. I will be brave. And I will make myself happy. I will make things better. Watch me jump 00's, and know I’m leaving you behind for a reason. Just know that I’m leaving you behind and that I’m ready. Oh so ready..Watch me jump, and I’ll watch you burn, not with hate, but with sickness. Watch, be careful, you might miss it. See? Right in front of you. Watch, here I go. Watch. Jump. Goodbye.
Here We Go
so i know it's been forever since last time, sorry bout that. but i've been thinking alot and i wrote alot and im going to post 3 poems on this one, alright? the next one will be about the new year. so yea. here we go.
Planetary Cold Flame
epically and oh so painfully
we watch the sky burn down
up to hell and say goodbye
to walk through that door
say hello to let this go
the sun bursts
and here we are watching
the universe erupt in cold flame
what ever shall we do
when all that's left is me and you
look up and back down
watch the years spin round
wind you tight around your mind
a captive of your own conceptions
glance around,
with nothing found
back int abyss
burn up all holstered bliss
courts ablaze
death shone
glisten hear, down to the bone
gold liquid
poured down a throat
cold blue flames on a boat
watch and you see?
your looking at you and me
wound up tight around your thoughts
mimicking broken robots
what has become of this beautiful race
shiny, frilly lace
to much of everything,
look at the sky
watch it burn
in cold flame
painfully fly towards hello
epically float away to goodbye
the moon swells
planets scream
watch,
as this is you and me
Untitled
Curiosity,
atrocity,
pull up
let down,
let's go one more round,
step back,
stand up,
this is all just so fucked,
release yourself
let tears flow
this doesn't have to go,
you can make it out alive
but it takes two too survive,
maybe we can live inside,
let up,
turn around,
this isn't a show down,
disappointment shows no fear,
but if your willing to shed a tear,
I'll be here
waiting for the blood to flow
and for you to just say no,
no love
no hate
no fear
no bait
let go
your done
it's been fun,
but this round is won
Irony is a Changed Man
Come all to hear,
or be drowned in fear,
a tale of a man
who refused to shed as tear,
he'd killed,
watched people kill,
He'd even been killed,
with sallow eyes,
he'd raked through graveyards,
courtyards,
and even front yards,
with exploding lips,
he'd cursed and praised,
thrown reason and fear into lives,
with swollen legs,
he'd looked into the mirrors of time,
and smelled exhilarating anticipation,
with a sunken chest,
he'd stabbed strength into families,
and torture kicked, oh so conveniently,
this man is my friend you see,
for i am hypocrisy and he,
he is irony,
and at the end of his tale of toil and woe,
he looked into the souls of the world,
and agreed with one proclaiming into the wind
"NOTHING CHANGED!"
nothing changed, he nodded, toothless smiling,
nothing but him,
as he walked away dieing.
There are more, but they'll come later. :)
Planetary Cold Flame
epically and oh so painfully
we watch the sky burn down
up to hell and say goodbye
to walk through that door
say hello to let this go
the sun bursts
and here we are watching
the universe erupt in cold flame
what ever shall we do
when all that's left is me and you
look up and back down
watch the years spin round
wind you tight around your mind
a captive of your own conceptions
glance around,
with nothing found
back int abyss
burn up all holstered bliss
courts ablaze
death shone
glisten hear, down to the bone
gold liquid
poured down a throat
cold blue flames on a boat
watch and you see?
your looking at you and me
wound up tight around your thoughts
mimicking broken robots
what has become of this beautiful race
shiny, frilly lace
to much of everything,
look at the sky
watch it burn
in cold flame
painfully fly towards hello
epically float away to goodbye
the moon swells
planets scream
watch,
as this is you and me
Untitled
Curiosity,
atrocity,
pull up
let down,
let's go one more round,
step back,
stand up,
this is all just so fucked,
release yourself
let tears flow
this doesn't have to go,
you can make it out alive
but it takes two too survive,
maybe we can live inside,
let up,
turn around,
this isn't a show down,
disappointment shows no fear,
but if your willing to shed a tear,
I'll be here
waiting for the blood to flow
and for you to just say no,
no love
no hate
no fear
no bait
let go
your done
it's been fun,
but this round is won
Irony is a Changed Man
Come all to hear,
or be drowned in fear,
a tale of a man
who refused to shed as tear,
he'd killed,
watched people kill,
He'd even been killed,
with sallow eyes,
he'd raked through graveyards,
courtyards,
and even front yards,
with exploding lips,
he'd cursed and praised,
thrown reason and fear into lives,
with swollen legs,
he'd looked into the mirrors of time,
and smelled exhilarating anticipation,
with a sunken chest,
he'd stabbed strength into families,
and torture kicked, oh so conveniently,
this man is my friend you see,
for i am hypocrisy and he,
he is irony,
and at the end of his tale of toil and woe,
he looked into the souls of the world,
and agreed with one proclaiming into the wind
"NOTHING CHANGED!"
nothing changed, he nodded, toothless smiling,
nothing but him,
as he walked away dieing.
There are more, but they'll come later. :)
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Hurt
12/2/09
9:46 p.m.
So that’s it then. It’s been almost a year and so much has changed. It’s going to be January before I know it. Then March. I have to think about high school. I have to enter the “real world before real life” I don’t want her to leave. And she knows it. Im sick of thinking in circles. Im sick of thinking. I want to tear down these walls and see what I missed. I want to figure out what happened. I think the thing holding us together was the fact that we were both sort of lost in our family. Neither of us liked dad. And we both were rather strange. I think the hatred we felt for him kept us together. That and she was all I had, and all I knew. That’s different now. And we both know it. I don’t want us to end up like those people that ‘disown’ each other and then only see each other again when someone graduates of gets married or something. I don’t want that. I’m trying to get used to her not being here. And they don’t realize I’ve forgotten how to..not be so hostile and angry. She’s right. And I hate that she is. But its true and It hurts. He asks who I want to stay with. My first thought is mom. I tell him I don’t know, it depends on where you both live. He tells me that mom might have to move. And he doesn’t want the house. I know this already. But hearing it still hurts. I want to live with mom. I like dad fine. But he’s bad for me. They all are. They all scare me. I don’t know what to do. I forget things minutes after there said sometimes. I used to have the best memory in the family. I don’t want to grow up like this. I want to be the girl kasey sees. I want to be what everyone else needs me to be. Because I think I’ve forgotten how to be who I was before. They think I want attention. Im just scared and confused. Oh so confused. I stop thinking and do stupid things. I almost hate myself. I think so low of me. I don’t think they can see that. I think they think its all an act. And maybe it used to be. But I don’t think it is now. And thats the sad thing, I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. Except what I wish. And what will never happen. I can always dream though can’t I? All I’ve wanted to do for so long is scream at the top of my lungs and cry. I want to cry. And the horrible thing is I want something bad to happen to make me cry. I don’t like how much they care. It drives me crazy. I think that its stupid for me to be this way when they care. I need a reason to be like this. I hate it I can’t help thinking how selfish I am when I think this much about what I want or need. Or think. It all just seems so stupid. My own dog won’t listen to me any more. Last night I did something I haven’t done in years. I talked to Beary. That’ how alone, scared, and confused I feel. I want to talk to someone. I can’t seem to tell Kristen the other reasons im there. I can’t seem to do anything im supposed to. The way im supposed to. Im sick of acting like such a stereotype I hate almost everything about myself. She called him Phil the other day. I called him that for years. Till about June. It punched me in the stomach so hard when she did that. Its things like that And things I do that are making me think more and more of taking pills, sticking my fingers down my throat, or stabbing my arm. Which Is bad. I’ve never thought this much about any of that. I’ve never been this..upset before. And I think Im more emotional about it then the others because I reacted so differently. I shut down. And im still sleeping. I want help but I don’t know how to get it. And I can’t seem to do anything about it. Nothing makes sense any more. And all I want is a safe hug. I hate hugging my dad. Kasey is alright sometimes. I hate hugging mom. I can only hug people that are bigger then me. Because then I feel small. And I want to be small. Instead though I feel huge when I hug anyone else. I know its stupid. Most of this is stupid. But it’s a bit of whats going on inside. And I just needed to get it out. It’s not supposed to be easy, and it’s not going to get any easier, I know that. I just wish I had someone to tell me what to do. I wish I didn’t have to wish for stupid things like that. And I wish they would stop killing my traditions without even knowing. I wish something big and great would happen. But its not going to. Because im so freaking pessimistic. Im so freaking stupid. And confused. And scared. I just keep putting up walls. And there’s to many for me to handle now. I wish I could breath.
12/2/09
10:23 P.M.
9:46 p.m.
So that’s it then. It’s been almost a year and so much has changed. It’s going to be January before I know it. Then March. I have to think about high school. I have to enter the “real world before real life” I don’t want her to leave. And she knows it. Im sick of thinking in circles. Im sick of thinking. I want to tear down these walls and see what I missed. I want to figure out what happened. I think the thing holding us together was the fact that we were both sort of lost in our family. Neither of us liked dad. And we both were rather strange. I think the hatred we felt for him kept us together. That and she was all I had, and all I knew. That’s different now. And we both know it. I don’t want us to end up like those people that ‘disown’ each other and then only see each other again when someone graduates of gets married or something. I don’t want that. I’m trying to get used to her not being here. And they don’t realize I’ve forgotten how to..not be so hostile and angry. She’s right. And I hate that she is. But its true and It hurts. He asks who I want to stay with. My first thought is mom. I tell him I don’t know, it depends on where you both live. He tells me that mom might have to move. And he doesn’t want the house. I know this already. But hearing it still hurts. I want to live with mom. I like dad fine. But he’s bad for me. They all are. They all scare me. I don’t know what to do. I forget things minutes after there said sometimes. I used to have the best memory in the family. I don’t want to grow up like this. I want to be the girl kasey sees. I want to be what everyone else needs me to be. Because I think I’ve forgotten how to be who I was before. They think I want attention. Im just scared and confused. Oh so confused. I stop thinking and do stupid things. I almost hate myself. I think so low of me. I don’t think they can see that. I think they think its all an act. And maybe it used to be. But I don’t think it is now. And thats the sad thing, I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. Except what I wish. And what will never happen. I can always dream though can’t I? All I’ve wanted to do for so long is scream at the top of my lungs and cry. I want to cry. And the horrible thing is I want something bad to happen to make me cry. I don’t like how much they care. It drives me crazy. I think that its stupid for me to be this way when they care. I need a reason to be like this. I hate it I can’t help thinking how selfish I am when I think this much about what I want or need. Or think. It all just seems so stupid. My own dog won’t listen to me any more. Last night I did something I haven’t done in years. I talked to Beary. That’ how alone, scared, and confused I feel. I want to talk to someone. I can’t seem to tell Kristen the other reasons im there. I can’t seem to do anything im supposed to. The way im supposed to. Im sick of acting like such a stereotype I hate almost everything about myself. She called him Phil the other day. I called him that for years. Till about June. It punched me in the stomach so hard when she did that. Its things like that And things I do that are making me think more and more of taking pills, sticking my fingers down my throat, or stabbing my arm. Which Is bad. I’ve never thought this much about any of that. I’ve never been this..upset before. And I think Im more emotional about it then the others because I reacted so differently. I shut down. And im still sleeping. I want help but I don’t know how to get it. And I can’t seem to do anything about it. Nothing makes sense any more. And all I want is a safe hug. I hate hugging my dad. Kasey is alright sometimes. I hate hugging mom. I can only hug people that are bigger then me. Because then I feel small. And I want to be small. Instead though I feel huge when I hug anyone else. I know its stupid. Most of this is stupid. But it’s a bit of whats going on inside. And I just needed to get it out. It’s not supposed to be easy, and it’s not going to get any easier, I know that. I just wish I had someone to tell me what to do. I wish I didn’t have to wish for stupid things like that. And I wish they would stop killing my traditions without even knowing. I wish something big and great would happen. But its not going to. Because im so freaking pessimistic. Im so freaking stupid. And confused. And scared. I just keep putting up walls. And there’s to many for me to handle now. I wish I could breath.
12/2/09
10:23 P.M.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Religion and things
I know it's been a while since i last wrote, but i've got some strange, and rather pointless ironies to point out. this will prove how badly i need a life...
1.my friend cut her toe open at school, my other friend did the same thing at camp.
2.my sisters friend was wearing a mtn. dew shirt. i was drinking mtn.dew.
3.these 2 guys i know, theres fav number is 7. thats my birthday.
4. i found this really nice blue stone, just like the one in this one book...
5.we found to an abandoned house, i'd had a dream about that.
So i know its all pointless, or seemingly so but its all weirdly relavant to me. i was watching family guy today and it was the one where Meg finds god. i was tihnking, if god does exsist (seeing as im athiest) then why does he only focus on certain things, why does he not do anything about peace, or hunger? im extremely interested in the Holocaust, so i read about it alot. in one of the books it said. "pray, pray to god he'll save us. But it seemed god was not listening." shouldn't he always listen to everyone? i mean if he created all this, thne why can't he keep up with us? it seems to me, that he simply isnt' listening to some people. he's forgotten. which i know sounds terribal. dont get me wrong i've got nothing against him, and im not trying to change your faith or whatever, im just saying .why doesn't he listen? i know its stupid, and that questions like that are asked all the time, but wouldn't he prove he's there in some way? i mean, karmas a bitch, but it also proves quite a bit. anything god does, could simply be coincedence. oyy, i dont know. i just wish i had a good reason to believe in him, because i wan't to, but nothing seems to be that simple for me these days. If i maneged to offend anyone in my views, im terribly sorry. i just needed to say that to someone. and this is all i've got because my therapist is reallllllllly strange. oy. sorry, im complaining again. its just im so sick of all this, that i blocked everything out. i can hardly remember things i've done only hours before, in detail. Am i blocking out to much? is there somthing else i can do? if anyones reading this, if anyone happens to care at the moment, you should help me out. i can't seem to give myself good advice. everyone else, sure, me nope not a chance. well i've got to go to bed, and i've got top stop this dumbass pity party. so untill next time,
Oneday, Someday.
"Drama Queen, Family Force Five. check it out"
1.my friend cut her toe open at school, my other friend did the same thing at camp.
2.my sisters friend was wearing a mtn. dew shirt. i was drinking mtn.dew.
3.these 2 guys i know, theres fav number is 7. thats my birthday.
4. i found this really nice blue stone, just like the one in this one book...
5.we found to an abandoned house, i'd had a dream about that.
So i know its all pointless, or seemingly so but its all weirdly relavant to me. i was watching family guy today and it was the one where Meg finds god. i was tihnking, if god does exsist (seeing as im athiest) then why does he only focus on certain things, why does he not do anything about peace, or hunger? im extremely interested in the Holocaust, so i read about it alot. in one of the books it said. "pray, pray to god he'll save us. But it seemed god was not listening." shouldn't he always listen to everyone? i mean if he created all this, thne why can't he keep up with us? it seems to me, that he simply isnt' listening to some people. he's forgotten. which i know sounds terribal. dont get me wrong i've got nothing against him, and im not trying to change your faith or whatever, im just saying .why doesn't he listen? i know its stupid, and that questions like that are asked all the time, but wouldn't he prove he's there in some way? i mean, karmas a bitch, but it also proves quite a bit. anything god does, could simply be coincedence. oyy, i dont know. i just wish i had a good reason to believe in him, because i wan't to, but nothing seems to be that simple for me these days. If i maneged to offend anyone in my views, im terribly sorry. i just needed to say that to someone. and this is all i've got because my therapist is reallllllllly strange. oy. sorry, im complaining again. its just im so sick of all this, that i blocked everything out. i can hardly remember things i've done only hours before, in detail. Am i blocking out to much? is there somthing else i can do? if anyones reading this, if anyone happens to care at the moment, you should help me out. i can't seem to give myself good advice. everyone else, sure, me nope not a chance. well i've got to go to bed, and i've got top stop this dumbass pity party. so untill next time,
Oneday, Someday.
"Drama Queen, Family Force Five. check it out"
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Kay so this blog is supposed to be about Ironic things, right? so i decided im going to start each post with the Ironies i've noticed since the last blog.
Ironies:
1. leaves in the shape of a smiley face on the ground, broken rose petals in the same shape a few days earlier.
2. a bead braclet broke and spilled all over the gym floor the other day, last year the sam ething happend to me in band.
3.The song Thats What You Get played on the radio right when my friend told me he and his gf broke up.
4.there was a school trip last year, and its back this year. i can't go, again. dreams being crushed. they get to go to the Holocaust museum. (im obssesed with the Holocaust)
I can't believe im actually making it though this school year. almost the first month done with! im so proud of myself. im so random today, its strange but thats okay. I'm getting old lady back form my bag tho, and its really annoying. i shouldn't hurt this much at my age...anyway, i keep thinking about winter, which is strange because i haet winter, but this year it means i've made it through that much more of school. no one should dread school this much for this stupid of a reason. but thats me. Right now my fav band is Simple Plan. thats bad. simple plan is a very depressing band. course spending all my extra time riding my bike and finding ways to get to the lake should prolly say somthing to. but it doesn't no one notices. I wonder, what do people notice? why do they notice these things. especially, would anyone notice if death died? in The Book Theif death is the narrator. and it kept wondering what would happen if he/it died? would anyone notice? what would happen? is it even possible? and now my wrist is really hurting so i need to stop for today, but i'll be back soon.
Oneday, Someday guys, Oneday Someday.
*...Theres only hate, theres only fear, theres only tears, there is no love here....*
Ironies:
1. leaves in the shape of a smiley face on the ground, broken rose petals in the same shape a few days earlier.
2. a bead braclet broke and spilled all over the gym floor the other day, last year the sam ething happend to me in band.
3.The song Thats What You Get played on the radio right when my friend told me he and his gf broke up.
4.there was a school trip last year, and its back this year. i can't go, again. dreams being crushed. they get to go to the Holocaust museum. (im obssesed with the Holocaust)
I can't believe im actually making it though this school year. almost the first month done with! im so proud of myself. im so random today, its strange but thats okay. I'm getting old lady back form my bag tho, and its really annoying. i shouldn't hurt this much at my age...anyway, i keep thinking about winter, which is strange because i haet winter, but this year it means i've made it through that much more of school. no one should dread school this much for this stupid of a reason. but thats me. Right now my fav band is Simple Plan. thats bad. simple plan is a very depressing band. course spending all my extra time riding my bike and finding ways to get to the lake should prolly say somthing to. but it doesn't no one notices. I wonder, what do people notice? why do they notice these things. especially, would anyone notice if death died? in The Book Theif death is the narrator. and it kept wondering what would happen if he/it died? would anyone notice? what would happen? is it even possible? and now my wrist is really hurting so i need to stop for today, but i'll be back soon.
Oneday, Someday guys, Oneday Someday.
*...Theres only hate, theres only fear, theres only tears, there is no love here....*
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